Today’s topic involving foreigner and Filipina relations on Love Beyond The Sea is about how not to blow it with a Filipina. The ways I list are in the negative but all you need to do is turn them around for a positive angle. I thought the title might get a little more attention. This topic was suggested by a subscriber and since I didn’t have plans to cover this, I thought I would go to work on it. Please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea for help with foreigner and Filipina relations.
I will define “blow it” to mean to not take advantage of what someone could have potentially achieved or to lose out on a relationship that had started, but won’t be finished. In sports terms it would be fumbled or struck out, but even in those cases, where there is effort there is potential for success. Some of these things might resonate with some of you and I want you to know I am not trying to be critical.
I have a list of 32 which will be listed in the description box. Some are specific while others are more general. A lot applies to any relationship but I will try to make application to a Filipina. Many are in the stage of getting to know each other, others can happen after meeting in person. That seems fair to me because if someone blows it before they have met each other in person, then they won’t meet in person. Things could still unravel after that, and let’s face it, things can fall apart after marriage too. I will try to cover as much as I can think of tonight, and please comment on a time when you might have blown it or almost blew it with a Filipina.
By assuming she wouldn’t be interested-Why would someone do this? If they have not had success in their country, they might assume it will be that way regardless of where they look. Maybe they don’t consider themselves attractive, maybe they aren’t in tip-top shape, or don’t make enough money. After enough rejection it can become difficult to believe you can ever find someone to marry. You might feel like you are too old for a Filipina.
Maybe there have been men who potentially blew it before they even got started. A lot of men haven’t even considered dating overseas not to mention assuming if they tried it wouldn’t work. There have been many men who considered themselves not the greatest catch in the sea, yet felt they had nothing to lose and everything to gain so they took one step at a time, learned a little about the culture in the Philippines, maybe talked to people they knew who were married to a Filipina, then decided to spin the wheel so to speak.
What I like about looking at the Christian Filipina testimonial section where I met my wife, is photographs of the gentlemen who proudly state that they have found “the one” (I have a video made for that). They declare they are no longer talking to others or they have gotten engaged or married. What I observe is they don’t look like Hollywood actors. I haven’t seen a Robert Redford or Brad Pitt look-alike there. I am in that section too. They were inclined to write the website and tell them they appreciated their help.
I have seen the same thing in many YouTube videos. Enough for me to declare that it would be better to let the Filipina decide if she wouldn’t be interested. It is true the man that marries a Filipina, especially to bring her to his country, has made a great effort to talk to her, see her in person, meet her parents, spend the money needed for visa processing, flown her to his country and continued to take care of the necessary fees like a green card and green card extension as well as adjustment of status. He took care of business
He didn’t assume a Filipina wouldn’t be interested in marrying him. He wasn’t afraid, which is my next way of blowing it with a Filipina.
By being afraid- By fear I mean being too cautious, unnecessarily cautious. It could be a number of things. It might be a fear of rejection. The thought of more rejection or by getting rejected by someone in another country could be a cause of not getting involved which is a form of blowing it because I think the average man has a better chance than he thinks. He might lack confidence which I hope I can help with by sharing as much as I can to help. It could be that Skyping with a much younger and pretty Filipina would be intimidating. It may even be possible a man could be afraid of success, that he actually might be able to strike up a relationship with a Filipina, and then what? Perhaps a lack of success in the past represents only getting so far and the unexplored territory becomes scary. There is something else that could make someone blow an opportunity before it even starts.
By believing the stereotypes-No doubt stereotypes exist for a reason, but I have heard some people talk as if it is a guarantee that certain things will happen so why even try. She only wants my money, she will leave me once she comes to my country, she’s talking to men behind my back, she won’t really love me, it won’t last or I won’t be able to trust her. You should take heart that many foreign men have successful relationships with Filipinas. I would bet they are aware of various stereotypes yet were able to step through that minefield and marry the woman of their dreams.
Assuming the stereotypes would apply in your case, would be blowing it before it began.
By not making the effort-This could be a summary or catch all of the reasons to remain on the sideline and not get on the playing field. Two men have told me that sometime in their past they wanted to try to marry a woman from a foreign country. One of them said it with a degree of regret. Maybe it was the length of time it would take or the money it would cost. Maybe there are men who got sidetracked with other priorities or perhaps their initial interest wasn’t very strong to begin with.
Some men have tried multiple Asian/Filipina dating sites to no avail. Some have held memberships for a long time and are still at ground zero. I want to clarify that there are legitimate reasons for “not making the effort”, for starting and stopping, for “hitting the pause button”. Family issues, health issues and job issues do happen. The rest of these occur after getting the ball rolling.
By not “separating yourself” in your profile-We have to remember that blowing it at this stage means not meeting the Filipina in person and having to start all over. Most likely most of the time in the relationship of a foreigner and Filipina is spent away from each other, and on line. If I haven’t already done so, I will have a video on web camming with a Filipina. A lot of men say much the same about themselves as the next guy, making it hard for a Filipina to take an interest in his profile and easier to look at another one.
Try not to say you like to go to the gym or like to party or you are understanding or love children etc. That could describe a ton of guys. It is like a Filipina who describes herself as a simple woman and doesn’t write much more. That could describe about any one. My point here is to separate yourself with your profile. You only get one chance to make a first impression. You are not the same as everyone else so your profile should reflect that. That means having to put some thought into it. Write one and have your family and friends read it and tell you if it describes you in the best, most accurate way.
How did I do that? I cut to the chase quickly. I wrote about what was important to me in life, what I longed for and hadn’t accomplished yet. I was looking for a wife to go through life with hand in hand. I regret not saving a copy of my original profile on Christian Filipina, I wasn’t anticipating having a YouTube channel back then and rarely watched expat videos, and maybe never had. I came across as serious but knowing what I wanted and described a little of what a marriage to me would be like for a Filipina. My wife marveled at how long it was (it wasn’t that long, but it was effective and meant something to her.
By revealing too much too soon-It is very exciting to be chatting with the Filipina you daydream about that could become your wife. A man could find such a sense of relief that he comes on too strong by revealing too much too soon. It could be health issues, trauma in their life, but it is enough for the Filipina to feel like they have to become a counselor when they just want to see if there is any chemistry and what your personality is like. If the man thinks that by being very open and transparent early on will show the Filipina that he is easy to talk to and not the strong silent type, she might be caught off guard and become skeptical.
I tend to be transparent but I had to hold back when I met my wife. I tried to focus on what she was like and the names of her family members and talk about our families. If I brought up something in my past that I wanted her to know I tried to be general until the time came to be more specific. When the time was right and she felt safe and comfortable with me, she began to open up more. You might notice the two of you have great chemistry but that doesn’t mean it is a good idea to become too personal too soon. Trying to set the tone with too much openness too early can make her feel uncomfortable, but so can the next way a guy could blow it early with a Filipina.
By not revealing enough-Where I personally would have trouble biting my lip with the previous way, some might be more inclined to not reveal enough. A profile should make her remember what you wrote, make you stand out from other men. This also applies to when the two are communicating by chat and web cam. If the Filipina asks a specific question, it would seem best to me to answer it as completely as you can. For her to know the man she needs to know that he is honest and she can communicate with him. If he gives the impression that he is withholding something, she is apt to become suspicious. As he opens up over time the communication becomes more natural and she will likely follow suit. A sure-fire turnoff is the next one.
By bragging-A Filipina won’t want to hear bragging. It would be easy to start bragging about past accomplishments to show her he is a good catch. In addition, a man might brag to make himself more at ease if he is nervous. This would be a way that would blow it with some Filipinas. It is much better to have your big accomplishments in life flow from natural conversation, especially if she asks you a question and you give an impressive answer. Just try not to get on a roll with it.
By not moving quick enough to doing webcams-I found the Filipinas I chatted with very easy to talk to and pleasant. A man doesn’t have to worry about having an awkward conversation. Sure, the Filipina might be shy but she likely would be easy to talk to. You can probably tell by feel, the point that you should step it up, move with more intentionality. If the time comes when the Filipina likes the foreign man, she will want to see him on camera. If they have messaged back and forth a few times and all is well, there will come a point where the decision has to be made to see each other on camera. I think this is best from the initiation of the foreign man.
Several things come to mind if this gets delayed. One is that the man is enthralled with being able to have someone to chat to on a regular basis and it feels great. He might be enjoying so much he forgets that at some point they need to see each other on camera. Another is that his biggest need at the time might be to simply have someone to communicate with via messaging and chats. However, It could also be that he is afraid to be face to face on Skype. This is the first hurdle that needs to be leaped, and after several chats to break the ice, if one is serious about finding a Filipina, it is time to progress to seeing each other face to face. She may have other “competitors” for her time and if you believe you have a lot to offer her, then don’t fear doing the web cam. Once you are into that stage, here is something to think about to not blow it at this stage.
By being uncomfortable asking and answering tough questions-In order to keep momentum, certain things must be talked about and being hesitant to do this can blow it with a potentially good Filipina wife. These don’t have to be raised right after seeing each other face to face, however at some point, for the development of what you have going, there shouldn’t be any question or concern that is off limits. What would qualify as tough questions? Past relationships, drug use, substance abuse, sexual history, financial situation, religious convictions, relationship with family members, really anything either of you must know if you are going to get married.
By lingering too long in the safe zone -(being hesitant to get serious) This could involve someone who has done a webcam with a Filipina but for whatever reason is not being as aggressive as they could. The Filipina is on the other side anticipating a move to a little more serious relationship level. At worst this could indicate the man isn’t ready to move into a new relationship for reasons only he would know. It reminds me of singleness and marriage. There is a certain safety in not having to deal with the issues that come up in marriage. There could be a perception that marrying her is best, but is it really? It may seem safer to stay single, but is it best long term? Should he take more risk and how much risk is he comfortable with?
It is like investing-there is safety in being conservative and knowing the choices you have made aren’t likely to involve a big loss but those who invest more aggressively understand they might experience a bigger loss, but only investing more aggressively will yield the very best return. They are willing to do that. They are not afraid to invest in marriage to a Filipina, but they are rightfully wary of investing in the wrong one. So they move aggressively with caution, asking the right questions and focusing on character. It is easy to find a beautiful Filipina, a little more work to clarify the character, which is what the focus on getting to know each other should be about.
By not being willing to focus on one Filipina-At this point the foreigner has identified some Filipinas and has seen them on camera and gets along well with all of his choices. This is related to the previous point. He has perhaps gotten serious enough with all his options to be able to choose one to focus on. This can be very difficult. It would be blowing it to become paralyzed and lose out of a Filipina by not moving forward with her. Imagine a friend of yours asking you how it’s going with (her name) and you reply that you just aren’t sure what to do because you’ve got other good options it would seem. They just might think to themselves “my good friend is going to blow it if he doesn’t make a move on (her name) because she would make a good wife.” Having choices is a good thing, that’s the way to look at it, not that it is a bad thing because it is difficult to sort through all of them. Here is another way to blow it.
By moving too fast- (faster than you can work effectively) This could be a case of moving too fast for her or moving too fast for yourself but one has to be careful not to blow it. Moving too fast could be due to not having carefully considered the qualities of the Filipina, or perhaps if he is even ready to move on after a recent relationship. He might need more time to heal, he might need time to reflect on past mistakes. Where I work, working too fast means working faster that you are able to work effectively. It understands that some people can work effectively at greater speed than others, maintain that pace and avoid errors and mistakes. This all depends on the individual. At the end of the day, each man needs to check himself to be sure he is not moving too fast.
There was one time in my life I fell for someone who did not feel the same way. I was moving quicker than they were prepared for. They liked me but not in a marital way. They were not comfortable letting me know that or they simply didn’t believe I was as serious as I was. I moved too fast for them and they disappeared. It hurts when that happens. In hindsight, I needed to do a better job of paying attention to how she felt. My pace was right for me, but not for her. I think it could be overwhelming to have something going with a beautiful Filipina but if the man isn’t careful, he could get moving too fast. Sometimes he blows it in a different way.
By being too busy-Why would a man who has a chance to marry a lovely Filipina be too busy for developing a relationship with her? She might be chomping at the bit, anxiously waiting to hear from him, especially if she isn’t involved with anyone else. But when he tells her he is busy doing this or that, or has other plans, I would think that would stall any momentum. My advice would be to not get involved with trying to find a Filipina on line until you are ready to make a commitment to the process. My guess is she would interpret being too busy as not being interested and I would tend to agree. There is another way to blow it with a Filipina.
By giving up too easily-While the man can’t be too pushy, he can’t give up too easily either. What would cause a man to give up too easily? It could be that he gets impatient with the Filipina, it may be that he sees any friction as an indication it won’t work out. Or maybe her work schedule makes it difficult to find quality time to chat but if both sense they have something cooking with each other they will make the time, whether it is chatting a lot when they get the chance or waiting for her job situation or family situation to allow her more time to chat. It is possible he might feel like it isn’t going well when there is little reason to feel that way.
By not wearing decent clothes-If he is going to appear on web cams wearing wife beater T shirts, he might as well just not bother. I would hope a smart Filipina would want the foreigner to take the initiative to put on something decent looking. If he wouldn’t wear a wife beater shirt on a date then he shouldn’t do it on camera. From what I can tell, Filipinas want their men to look nice, to comb their hair. When others see their boyfriend or husband, she may take it personally if you don’t look nice. She will take people’s comments on his appearance personally, as a reflection on her. Instead of her feeling like she has to change the man, it would be smoother if he agreed that he should have a nice appearance. That’s what she is going to want. This sounds like a relatively simple thing to do to avoid blowing it with a Filipina.
By talking too much about past relationships-Another way to blow it is to talk too much about your past relationships and this applies whether they were good or bad. If she hears the man complaining about past relationships, she might assume she will always hear about it or she might think that the man is hard to please. His focus needs to be on her, on each other. Down the line I am sure some things about each other’s past will come up but talking too much about the past is a good way to make her think that you are still living in the past and not ready for a relationship with her.
By having dirty fingernails-This is what my wife told me. He might think it displays that he is a hard worker, but this is a turn off to some Filipinas. If she had grungy fingernails the man might feel the same way. Personal hygiene matters.
By being too needy-Have to be careful with this. I certainly was needy since I had been alone for thirty years, but I could not allow that to come across as desperation or creepiness. You may have an understandably strong need for a wife yet need to control your comments so the Filipina can see how you can help her and how she can help you. If she came across as needy to the man, he would likely feel like she might be emotionally high maintenance and look for someone else to date.
By being clingy, not allowing her enough space-It is a wonderful feeling to be able to communicate regularly with a lovely Filipina, to anticipate it during the day or at work. If the man sends too many text messages, puts pressure on the Filipina to talk more than she is comfortable with at the time, or bombards her with video messages, Viber stickers and so on, the Filipina is likely to retreat. He needs to monitor the health of the relationship so he knows when he can step on the gas and when he needs to take his foot off the gas. My wife and I are not the only couples who communicated for several hours or more a day and more on weekends, but it was not forced and was mutual. This is a good place to be in.
By demanding she cut off all other guys-If he has found a good thing in the Filipina he has gotten to know, he could be tempted to restrict her from seeing other men. He can’t literally do that but he can tell her that he doesn’t want her to talk to any other foreigners. That is a demand. That is different than suggesting that the two of you go steady and focus on just each other for the purpose of deepening your relationship to clarify if you should get married. This comes across as insecure and jealous. You might both have other irons in the fire, but I think the best way to cut off all other competition is to suggest you focus on each other or to ask you to marry her.
By raising your voice a lot-Here in America we probably do raise our voices more than what a Filipina might be used to so keeping a level head and not raising your voice is important. This is not what she wants to see in her future with you so I think this would qualify as blowing it with a Filipina but the next one is even worse.
By striking her-Foreign men have beaten Filipinas enough that they are wary of this happening. OFWs have experienced this a lot. Doing this one time should eliminate the foreigner immediately in my opinion. To me this is a zero-tolerance policy.
By treating her like a sex object-There might be some Filipinas that wouldn’t be offended but nevertheless I think it is best to let her know you are attracted to her then focus on the rest of her, the qualities that she has that will not fade away. I tell my wife maybe 20-1 how I appreciate her inner qualities. That’s a good idea because the beauty is not going to last, but her character can become more beautiful as the years go by. Here is another sure-fire way to blow it with a Filipina.
By refusing to try Filipino food-Refusing to try or be condescending even if you make a joke out of it should be avoided. You might try to focus on the Filipino food that you do like a little.
By being caught in a lie-This is a deal breaker. If the two are married then of course, you can’t end it because of a lie, but at the stage of pre-marriage, this would make her unable to trust you enough to invest much more time in the relationship. So would this next one.
By not allowing her to chat with your family or friends-My wife wanted to chat to my mom and my aunt and even my pastor and she did. My mom and aunt had not done this before that I know and my pastor had never done a pre-marital screening on Skype from over 9000 miles away. Doing this made my wife feel she could trust me and my family. This closed the deal for us. I told my pastor to ask her anything he wanted. I told my then fiancé to answer them with honesty, just like she would have to do later at her visa interview in Manila. Had I declined her offer to speak to my pastor and family, I think there would only be one way to take it, that I had something to hide. Why even allow that to happen?
By inconsistent communication-Another way to blow it with a Filipina is to have inconsistent communication. You can be overwhelming by wanting more conversation that the relationship is able to bear at that point or not communicate enough. Both would be a turn off to a Filipina. So would starting and stopping. This makes it hard for the relationship to gain traction and if she has other suiters then she might want to give them more of her attention so don’t blow it by inconsistent communication.
By communicating with other Filipinas if she is against it-If you don’t think a relationship with her has potential then you would be better off ending it, however if she really liked you and you liked her, you will be in a tough spot if she lets you know that she would prefer you suspend talking to other Filipinas. This doesn’t mean she is being controlling necessarily. It very well could mean she sees great potential and doesn’t want to lose you. I am glad my wife wanted to exclusively focus on each other and I accepted that. It told me she was serious about getting married and didn’t want someone who was playing games with her.
By telling jokes involving sex-To some Filipinas this will blow it with them. Many feel public display of affection is unacceptable and indecent, and would be uneasy hearing sexually explicit jokes. I don’t see the point in doing this, it isn’t going to impress her. Neither will this next action.
By losing your temper-I would imagine we all lose our temper from time to time and I am working on a live stream topic about anger because I think it is something I should address on this channel. Filipinas tend to not be confrontational and losing one’s temper never is attractive and likely to not be beneficial in any way. When married, tempers need to be controlled and a good way to blow it with a Filipina is to lose your temper around her or with her. It doesn’t even have to be directed at her.
By making disparaging remarks about the Philippines-poverty, sending money to Philippines, etc.
I actually blew it with my wife recently when I made a comment about the way she pronounced some words. I have always told her I liked the way she pronounced certain words, and it is just an accent. However, she has told me before that she didn’t like me kidding her about it, and I found out she wasn’t joking.
This is a little different but many Filipinas consider smoking and/or drinking as something that could be an issue with her. The things I have talked about tonight might not always be deal breakers but all it takes is one.
I am glad my Filipina and I are married but I have to be careful to not blow it with my Love Beyond the Sea.