July 2021

Arranged Marriage is Not All Bad but Here are Some Cons

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If you were struggling to find a wife, how do you feel about an arranged marriage? Would it matter who helped select that woman? If you trusted someone to arrange your marriage would you do it? How important would it be to you to know what she looked like? Do you know someone who you could trust to make a good selection for you?

Please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea, a channel rated 4M for Mature Marriage Minded Men. Get notifications for future videos and comments are welcome. I needed to break this topic into two videos-one today with the cons and a previous one covered the pros. Podcasts are available to listen to on Casting Beyond The Sea and my website is called lvbts.com.

After working on this topic, this will need to be filed in the Controversial Collection Playlist. I will never be Mr. Popular because I only care about telling the world what they need to know, not what they want to hear.

In the last upload I covered 7 pros to an arranged marriage, today are 11 cons, that come from an article I will link for you in the description box. As someone who labored for 30, count ‘em 30 years to find a wife, I wonder what I would have thought at the idea of an arranged marriage all those years ago. I might have said yes to the idea if I was guaranteed some level of sexual interest in a woman, but all in all, it comes down to leading, being compassionate, being unselfish, being forgiving, and things like that, for the man regardless of how the marriage was enacted.

After doing the last video, I gained a little respect for the idea of an arranged marriage. Let’s see how I feel after these 11 cons. Be sure to leave comments as we go.

List of the Cons of Arranged Marriage

1. It increases the risk of child marriage.
When children are married, especially younger than the age of 12, then they are not prepared for the idea of free choice. Although not practiced in Europe or North America, the poverty in Eastern Asia, Latin America, and Sub-Saharan Africa force families into a choice between school or a merging of their families for pure survival. The arranged marriage ensures the financial security of their child, even if it puts them into a place of physical harm.

Me-I don’t have a problem with child marriage if those children have had the right upbringing and they want to get married, but that is probably not usually the case (yes, you might need to play that back). I don’t want to be legalistic about how old someone has to be in order to get married. Some people are never ready for marriage due to their lack of maturity, regardless of their age.

Who’s to say those children would have a better chance of finding a life partner ten years later? I know we don’t like to have choice taken from us and marriage is serious business. Normally I think of arranged marriage being with similarly aged people.

2. It places the burden of financial responsibility on the daughter.
When communities are impoverished, every mouth to feed becomes a continuing liability. Most cultures that struggle with poverty have societal structures which make it difficult for women to find gainful employment. That means a daughter becomes the greatest financial burden a family can bear. By arranging a marriage as quickly as possible, the monetary obligations are reduced, which creates less food insecurity for everyone in the household.

By the way, I have some links in the description box that relate to this video.

3. It limits the choice of a life partner.
This negative component of arranged marriages applies to migrant minority ethnic populations. If the majority population of the nation where they live avoids them, stereotypes them, or follows segregation or apartheid policies, then arranged marriages become the only way to continue family traditions. Up until 1980, the Sikh families of Canada practiced arranged marriages for this very reason. You still see them in Hasidic Jew populations. Up until the 1960s, Japanese immigrants to the U.S. also engaged in this practice. Although it guarantees a marriage, it reduces the choices available for life partnerships.

Me-True, getting married at 12 would reduce the choices available. In some circumstances, getting married very young like that helped to ensure having children if the life expectancy in that country is low. I like the part about it reducing the choices available for life partnerships. Having a choice in who to marry is a great thing but today there seems to be many excuses for not getting married. It is like some people want to reduce their choices available by either being too picky or by assuming the worst.

Some guys are in their 40s and older and resigning themselves to a life of what, celibacy? How long is that going to last? As you may know, I got married at 53 and maybe to some of you that doesn’t seem that old, but after being alone for 30 years I felt like I was about 80. I know what it’s like to go through your 30s and 40s and wonder what people think about you, especially women. There are some stereotypes of single men who are past 30 that are not flattering.

I discovered I had limited my chances to marry by assuming it had to be in America. After so long I decided to try to date someone from another city, then another state, but all in all, when I started to communicate with someone they disappeared. My pastor suggested another country like the Philippines, which I did, and now you know the rest of the story. If you don’t, please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea.

4. It eliminates the dating phase of life.
There is something to be said of putting yourself out there for someone to see if you and they are compatible with one another. Although breakups are emotionally challenging, the process of courtship creates more possibilities that a good match will be found. You get to explore partnership and personality types to see what you prefer and what you do not. Although the divorce rate for arranged marriages is widely reported as 6% (compared to 55% of all marriages in existence right now), your relationship is not treated as a business partnership.

Me-I’d like to think that two people in an arranged marriage would try hard to stay together and have a great marriage. I hardly dated at all in those 30 years, yet I got married and we’ve been married for over six years. I wanted to but didn’t know anyone that knew me. Had a couple of blind dates; women either had a boyfriend, a husband, or weren’t interested. I just tried to learn all I could about dating and marriage while I was single, looking and waiting. I don’t miss dating, because marriage is better! I don’t think I even prayed for a girlfriend, I prayed for what I needed, which was a wife.

Only 6 % of arranged marriages ending in divorce? That is an excellent rate but the Bible wants all marriages to last. I can’t think of much better than a life-long marriage or worse than a marriage getting broken up. The author said that the process of courtship creates more possibilities that a good match will be found. Nevertheless, there are so many people in a position to date someone but are found wanting. I went through that for many years.

Dating is much more difficult these days for men of all ages. You don’t need to go out with twenty women to feel like you have narrowed it all down and made a good choice. Sometimes it’s your high school sweetheart, sometimes you meet someone online from thousands of miles away, but one way or another, you need to meet someone.

I have been a proponent of meeting women online and overseas if you feel like you are not getting anywhere in your country. Dating in person can present tremendously tempting sexual situations, dating in a very long-distance fashion helps avoid that and focuses on practical aspects of a relationship. In my mind, if a man and a woman want to give and receive love, they don’t need to know every cotton-picking thing about each other, they just need to start doing it. What do you think? The hard work required to make a relationship prosper happens after you get married. That’s when things get real.

While it’s very nice in theory to have many options to choose from in dating, that doesn’t seem to be the reality right now, unless you look overseas. See my affiliate link for Christian Filipina and see videos in my playlist called Christian Filipina.

5. It makes couples feel alienated from their families.
When there is a rush to start a new union, everyone in the family wants to be involved in the relationship in some way. For the couple getting married, it can feel like your wedding isn’t really yours at all. In an arranged marriage, some families may not allow the bride, the groom, or both parties to have any say in what happens. Everything about the day may come at you in surprise, which creates an unsettling experience for those involved.

6. It avoids the issue of personal accountability.
In self-selection and autonomous wedding structures, the couple bears a majority of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship. They’re forced to work together to make things work. With an arranged marriage, there is no responsibility required by either party. If the marriage doesn’t work, it’s the parents or grandparents to blame instead of the married couple. Many families will interfere in the marriage at multiple levels as a proactive way to prevent the blaming process from starting in the first place.

Me-I sort of agree with her here, a little. You never want to blame anyone else for your marriage besides the two of you. That couple has to work things out regardless of how their marriage was contracted. Here on Love Beyond The Sea, I state that the husband is the leader or the head of the marriage because that is what the Bible teaches. He is a servant-leader of his wife. He is to love her and sacrifice for her.

The decisions he reaches and the methods he uses are up to him. He must do whatever it takes to get to know her, to meet her needs, to understand her, to be considerate of her. People are designed for marriage. Someone has to take the lead and that is the man, the husband. That’s the way I look at it. Whether I like it or not, it is my responsibility to ask God to help me make this marriage work, even if it were to be an arranged marriage.

7. It eliminates love from the equation.
Although there are numerous arranged marriages which involve love, emotions are not a priority when this relationship is first arranged. No one cares if you can or will fall in love with the other person. As long as the families get along, and there is a mutual benefit to the relationship, then that becomes the definition of success. That means one partner can find themselves trapped in great misery because they don’t like their partner and don’t want to disappoint their family.
The divorce rates for arranged marriages are much lower than other types, but it may be due to a sense of obligation or responsibility more than a lack of overall compatibility.

Me-I hope you are getting something from this upload of cons to an arranged marriage as well as the previous one about pros of an arranged marriage. Here’s the thing about falling in love and not liking your partner-as the husband, it is up to you to earn her respect, to make her come to like you, to have feelings for you. Isn’t that what you want? If the husband treats her right, I think she is going to develop feelings of love for him, but first, he needs to lay it all out there and love her, that means to put her needs above his own, and do all he can to make her life better.

She becomes his most important relationship on earth. I believe people in an arranged marriage are capable of eventually falling for each other with strong male leadership, and most certainly that includes a traditional marriage too.

Many times, people drift off in their own direction, stop emphasizing their union, and not living like they are a new unit. The two become one the Bible says. Maybe they don’t realize it but they have been “joined together” by God himself, whether they are a Christian of not.

The reason people don’t love each other? Selfishness. Selfishness has no place in marriage. It has to go. If you want a great long-lasting-marriage it will take being unselfish and much forgiveness. I absolutely believe that a man and a woman can have an arranged marriage and the man lead in such a way that she will fall in love with him. I don’t believe feelings of love need to be there at the start.

My marriage was not arranged but I do feel an obligation, a sense of responsibility to make our marriage work. There is nothing wrong with that. That obligation is not to mankind but to God, who put us together in the first place.

8. It forces you to live with a stranger.
Some arranged marriages allow the prospective partners to meet before their wedding day. Many of these relationships do not. That means each person steps blindly to the altar, wondering who it is they are going to meet. Instead of marrying your best friend, you’re getting involved in a contract with a complete stranger. The amount of time it takes someone to develop feelings through traditional courtship in the wealthier nations is similar to the time required for an arranged couple to get to know one another.

Me-Her last comment was “The amount of time it takes someone to develop feelings through traditional courtship in the wealthier nations is similar to the time required for an arranged couple to get to know one another.” Do you agree with this? I know a man can fall for a woman in two seconds, but that isn’t love. It can help for awhile but can’t sustain a marriage. That requires unrelenting commitment and forgiveness and often not getting your way like you could when you were single.

I’ll say it again, feelings develop when the man takes the lead and loves and manages overall in such a way that she will respond to that in gratitude because she will know she is valued.

9. It increases the risks of mental health issues.
With an arranged marriage, there is the possibility that individual preferences will be sacrificed for the greater good of everyone else involved. A decision to ignore oneself for the good of others creates a higher risk for psychological damage over time. If meaningful coping mechanisms are not introduced, unhappy people can suffer from anxiety, stress, and depression at higher rates. If their partner is cold, uncaring, or abusive, their risks of mental health concerns rise even higher.

Me-I don’t necessarily follow the author here. When a husband sacrifices for his wife and family, he is doing the right thing, that’s what a man does. That’s what I try to do. I am not experiencing psychological damage in the process. It is my choice to do what I can to make my Aiza’s life better and I believe that’s what God wants me to do. I’m not hurting because of it, far from it.

We are all going to get let down now and then, by our spouse. Bank on it. But so what? I have to lead, I have to lead in such a way she will want to follow me. A wife should respect her husband’s, authority, yet he must act in a way that allows her to respect him personally. Marriage can be bad for your mental health at times if your spouse is “cold, uncaring, or abusive”. No one says it is easy. Love is not always easy.

10. It allows men to have more control than women typically.
In the cultures where arranged marriages are considered standard, the men in the relationship have more control over the women. That occurs because the man is seen as being the leader of the family and household. And the issue is even worse for people who identify with the LGBTQIA+ community, as they may be forced into a relationship with someone that they’re not attracted to at all. In these situations, the affected parties may be entering a relationship that lacks independence.

Me-There is a vast difference between a man being in control and being the leader. The leader of a marriage, which is the man, won’t always be popular with his wife in some things. Someone has to lead; biblically that is men. They are not to control; they are to lead. They set the standard for loving behavior; they keep the marriage on the right path.

Bad husbands try to exert control in marriage, sometimes out of a fear of conflict and not knowing what to do. I want to say that a good husband in an arranged marriage isn’t going to run roughshod over his wife and family.

11. It takes time to establish trust.
Most couples who go through an arranged marriage don’t have the time necessary to get to know one another before exchanging vows. For the first weeks, months, or even years of the relationship in some cases, severe trust issues make it difficult for the relationship to work. There may not be any intimacy, physical contact, or conversations involved. Even when each partner knows what is expected of them, there is a higher risk of experiencing an unfulfilling life.

These arranged marriage pros and cons are just key points to consider. It is up to each person and family to decide what is the best course of action they should take. The only exception to that statement would involve forced child marriages, which are exceptionally condemned by the international community. More cultures than not practice consensual arrangements like this, so exploring how to improve that relationship with these observations will become a top priority.

Me-I’d like to think that parents involving their children in an arranged marriage have the common sense to think through these things first. I think two people starting from a clean slate with a man who wants what is best for his wife can have a good marriage. Both people should need to be married if they are part of an arranged marriage. That is to say, they don’t have the gift of singleness talked about in I Corinthians 7. I don’t think an arranged marriage is the worst thing in the world if there is some attraction present and the husband leads well.

As for needing time to get to know each other, I proposed to my Filipina wife in 18 days and we were married just 36 days later. I was not expecting or trying to get married that fast, I just felt like I wanted to marry her if she would. I have many videos about being married to a Filipina and often have talked about what you really need to know before getting married, how you don’t have to take five years to get to know someone, how you can start sooner than later being married. I think what you know about marriage is more important than what you know about the person you marry.

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