If you were struggling to find a wife, how would you feel about an arranged marriage? Would it matter who helped select that woman? If you trusted someone to arrange your marriage would you do it? How important would it be to you to know what she looked like? Do you know someone who you could trust to make a good selection for you?
Please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea, a channel rated 4M for Mature Marriage Minded Men. Get notifications for future videos and comments are welcome. I will need to break this topic into two videos-one today with the pros and another one for the cons. Podcasts are available to listen to on Casting Beyond The Sea and my website is called lvbts.com. Be sure to leave comments.
While this topic is arranged marriage, in writing this, once again I know I have said some things that will be quite unpopular but that’s tough. Marriage is tough work sometimes. This two-part upload on arranged marriages will teach you more than arranged marriage itself, it will help show you how that relationship CAN work and if an arranged marriage can work, the traditional kind has no excuse. Look for this video in the Controversial Collection Playlist.
My wife and I got married in only 54 days, so that wasn’t even close to an arranged marriage but it was quick. I proposed on day 18, did everything I needed to do to go to the Philippines to meet her, get married, take a honeymoon, fly back to the United States and get that petition going full steam. We have been married over six years, so for a situation most would advise against, I am a happily married man. There are many things a man can do to click with a woman he hasn’t known very long and I talk about them a lot on this channel.
I will link an article for you in the description box that covers 7 pros and 11 cons to an arranged marriage. Is that ratio important?
18 Arranged Marriage Pros and Cons
Until the 18th century, arranged marriages were considered normal, with family members (usually grandparents or parents) setting up the arrangement. Some exceptions occurred in various cultures, such as the Gandharva marriages, but otherwise, it was an expectation to follow.
Even through the 1950s, arranged marriages were still prevalent in the United States. Within the Japanese-American culture, they were sometimes called “pictured-bride” weddings because the two parties involved would only exchange pictures until they met on their wedding day.
When countries increase their economic value, there is a trend of increasing individualism which rises too. Added social mobility combines with these factors to reduce the need for an arranged or placed marriage. Even so, some cultures still follow this practice, including family groups in North America and Europe.
Here are the pros and cons of having an arranged marriage.
List of the Pros of Arranged Marriage
1. It eliminates the stress of trying to find a life partner.
Although choice is limited when an arranged marriage occurs, the individuals involved are left with fewer questions. They’re not forced into a dating scene or mandated to defend their values to someone. People with this type of relationship often come from similar backgrounds, ethnicities, or cultures, which gives them common ground. With the certainty included with this arrangement, each person is free to pursue other personal interests instead of spending time searching for that special someone.
Me-My first reaction here is to say that an arranged marriage would be better than no marriage at all. If I was to do this, I would want to state exactly what I was looking for, and would need to really bear down and think about that. I think I would stipulate that she be a Filipina. I have always been struck with their beauty, their girly-good looks and small bodies, their darker skin. Incredible. Like the author said, common ground is important. To me, marrying a Christian was my main must have. I preferred someone who didn’t drink, I have seen what that can do. And like she said, it eliminated the stress of trying to find a life partner.
I prayed for a few decades to find a wife. So, you might say that I wanted God to arrange this marriage, in a way. It was still stressful because it took so long to work out, but since my wife wasn’t born when I had been looking for four years already, an arranged marriage was out of the question. Looking back, I can say that while extremely stressful, I didn’t break and I know God prevented me from completely losing my mind, giving in, and ruining my future. I don’t want people to wait as long as I did, which is part of the reason for making Love Beyond The Sea, but on the other hand, maybe I needed to be purged of some behaviors and prepared in the dessert for that long of a time.
2. It keeps parents involved in the relationship.
When society encourages individualism in the selection of a marriage partner, the family unit becomes secondary to the intimate relationship. Cultural norms, such as asking a father for permission to marry, become unwritten rules that encourage inclusion.
Me-By the way, I did ask my wife’s father for his permission to marry her, which felt a little strange being 53 at that time, but I felt it was the right thing to do, especially with her going away to live 9800 miles from her family. I’m not sure how involved parents should be with the couple after they are married if that is implied by the author’s words in point number 2. I do know that after marriage, the couple needs a certain distance from them as far as influence. The Bible says that a man is to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. I will link an article for you that I will make mention of here about the aspect of leaving and cleaving.
This indicates that in a family there are two types of relationships. The parent-child relationship is the temporary one and there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one —“what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). Problems occur in family life when these two roles are reversed and the parent-child relationship is treated as the primary relationship. When an adult child has married and this parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly formed union is threatened.
The Hebrew word translated “cleave” refers to (1) the pursuing hard after someone else and (2) being glued or stuck to something/someone. So a man is to pursue hard after his wife after the marriage has occurred (the courtship should not end with the wedding vows) and is to be “stuck to her like glue.” This cleaving indicates such closeness that there should be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses, not with any former friend or with any parent.
I have some links in the description box that relate to this video.
3. And they shall become one flesh
Marriage takes two individuals and creates a new single entity. There is to be such sharing and oneness in every aspect (physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, social) that the resulting unity can be best described as “one flesh.” Again, when there is greater sharing and emotional support gained from a continuing parent-child relationship than from the husband-wife relationship, the oneness within the marriage is being threatened, resulting in an unbiblical imbalance.
Leave But Don’t Isolate
“Leaving your home does not mean you permanently withdraw and no longer have a good relationship with your parents. That’s isolating yourself from your parents, not leaving. The commandment in Exodus 20:12 to honor your parents means that when you leave them, you need to go with respect, love, admiration, and affirmation for their sacrifices and efforts in raising you.
“But you must make a break from them and sever your dependence on them. As time passes, you must be diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence at critical points in your marriage.” (Dennis and Barbara Rainey)
That isn’t always easy because some parents still feel like their adult “children” should still put them first. Sometimes parents even try to re-establish their authority and/or connection in a way that undermines the new marriage. And that can bring major problems to this newer family unit. (end of this article)
The leaving and cleaving can be especially difficult when you marry a woman from the Philippines. I will read you the next 3 pros before commenting again, on point 6.
3. It creates harmony within both families.
Marriages are classified into four basic types: forced arranged marriages, consensual arranged marriages, self-selected marriages, and autonomous marriages. Wealthy nations promote the latter option, which means the parents or guardians of both individuals are not consulted and have no say in the final arrangement. This process forces two families together which may not be compatible with one another. Arranged marriages are based on the principle that each family receives a benefit from the relationship formation.
4. It keeps people rooted in their family, culture, and ethics.
People change as they age. Our experiences, ideas, and relationships all form the foundation of who we are. After an autonomous marriage, husbands show an increase in conscientiousness, while wives show a decrease in openness. Husbands become introverted, and both partners reduce their social networks. You also become less agreeable in marriage, while wives show higher levels of emotional stability. With an arranged marriage, the negative aspects of being together are tempered because there is advance preparation involved. You stay rooted in who you are as a culture because there are more similarities than differences involved.
5. It reduces conflict when children are involved.
Families often separate when children come into the picture because of the differences each person (and family) has in how they should be raised. Differences in religion, spirituality, education, and discipline enforcement lead to conflicting ideas that negatively impact the child. With an arranged marriage being the foundation of the relationship, any children produced from the union have a higher chance of having parents who agree on these aspects of life, which eliminates much of the harmful conflict that children sometimes see as being their fault.
6. It is possible to find that special someone.
Many people in an arranged marriage go into the first days of their relationship as if it were a business partnership. They have contracts to fulfill, so that’s what they do. Their relationship becomes the fulfillment of needs which both families have. Although there is always an element of risk to any relationship, most people can find their own niche to enjoy within an arranged marriage which allows them to find happiness in life. Love at first sight is even possible, though unlikely.
Me-Skeptics of westerner-Filipina marriages might say the same thing; it is nothing more than a business transaction. The Filipina wants his money, she wants into a different country, it is all about her family. She should want a better life for herself and her family, and many are willing to marry abroad so they can work. That doesn’t mean they don’t want a good man to marry.
I think if there is consideration given to physical attraction, and the man leads like he should, that an arranged marriage has a good chance to work out. I assume most arranged marriages are with the couple being about the same age. What do you think? Can a special someone be found in an arranged marriage?
7. It places the emphasis of the relationship outside of emotion.
For non-arranged marriages, the emphasis of the relationship is based on the emotional reactions each person has to the other. The formation of an arranged relationship is a little different. Romantic love is still a priority for many, but it is not the primary element being pursued. Couples in this situation place their first emphasis on creating a successful partnership, which allows both of them to commit to a long-term process. That effort creates more stability for both people to enjoy.
Me-I think the author is saying that couples in an arranged marriage initially emphasize creating a successful partnership, rather than being so preoccupied with sexual fascination and all those feelings. If so, I agree very much. They would be taking it slow, trying to do the things that will help them stay together, getting to slowly know each other.
Getting to know someone without sexual involvement is the right way to do it anyway. It is almost impossible to have your head on straight when you have sex on your brain. What I mean is the excitement of the sexual encounter is so all consuming that you tend to not focus on anything else, like the things in common you will need to have should you decide to get married. And, often once a sexual relationship outside of marriage is established, there is not going to be a marriage. Often, sex before marriage results in divorce later. Since this is not a factor in an arranged marriage, I think that can be a good thing.
This statement resonated with me-“Couples in this situation place their first emphasis on creating a successful partnership, which allows both of them to commit to a long-term process. That effort creates more stability for both people to enjoy.” When I proposed to my Aiza, we had known each other online for only 18 days, but I wanted to know if she would marry me because it felt like we had talked so much and that she might say yes, so I proposed to her, and she did accept my proposal.
Obviously, this wasn’t an arranged marriage but the proposal was quick and we were married on the 54th day; less than eight weeks believe it or not. I never figured I would know everything about her and I think it can take many years for that and you might never know everything about her. I wanted to marry a Christian that I was attracted to, beyond that, I just didn’t think it was important to know her down to the nth degree.
I will link three videos for you in the description box I have made. They are Marriage Skills Matter More than Knowing the Filipina you Marry, How Long Does it Take to Know a Filipina Part 1 and How Long Does it Take to Know a Filipina Part 2
I began this upload with these questions-If you were struggling to find a wife, how do you feel about an arranged marriage? Would it matter who helped select that woman? If you trusted someone to arrange your marriage would you do it? How important would it be to you to know what she looked like? Do you know someone who you could trust to make a good selection for you?
If you would hate the idea of an arranged marriage, why don’t you try the fastest way to meet people-online dating? I met my wife on Christian Filipina, see my affiliate link in the description box, as have many others. Life is short, you know that. I am still learning about my Filipina wife. Two people getting married are going to have to make adjustments whether their marriage was arranged or not. They may not have much of an idea of how each other handles conflict because you tend to avoid that when you are dating. When you are married, you are going to reveal the truth about yourself with your actions. She won’t like some of it, you won’t like some of hers, but so what? You have to work things out.
Much of Love Beyond The Sea is about the reality of being married, I happen to be married to a woman from the Philippines. I hope you will subscribe to this channel because it is about what you as the man, the leader of the marriage, needs to do in order to make that relationship work. People can say quick marriages don’t work, they can say arranged marriages won’t work, yet they certainly can, if the man makes a sensible choice (or someone does for them) and is the type of servant- leader that a woman will be happy to stay married to.
In an upcoming video I will cover the 11 cons to an arranged marriage. Today I covered 7 pros from the article. Does than mean an arranged marriage is more likely to fail than succeed? Find out soon right here on Love Beyond The Sea.
https://connectusfund.org/18-arranged-marriage-pros-and-cons Article for today’s video
https://marriagemissions.com/respectfully-leaving-your-father-and-mother/#:~:text=The%20Bible%20tells%20us%20we%20are%20to%20leave,a%20family%20there%20are%20two%20types%20of%20relationships Explanation of Genesis 2:24
https://youtu.be/LTF-X5DHFd4 Marriage Skills Matter More than Knowing the Filipina you Marry
https://youtu.be/RFMZZF069_Q How Long Does it Take to Know a Filipina Part 1
https://youtu.be/I5pbQKJeO6k How Long Does it Take to Know a Filipina Part 2