This is a continuation of a previous video about how to know your Filipina well after you marry her. Of course, there are some things you want to know before you get married but the learning experience doesn’t stop there. Today I will talk about some more ways to keep learning about your Filipina wife. Subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea and learn about finding and experiencing marital love. Leave comments and get notifications for upcoming videos. Here are some learning opportunities-
Being away from family-While your Filipina wife could likely still spend time with family while in the Philippines, being so very far away will be something she may not have had a chance to experience. If she had been a OFW she has a head start in this regard, if not, you will be learning and helping her make this big adjustment. You will learn how much time she spends on social media and need to be sensitive to that. If it is too much, then it will be important to find a way a good way to allow her to continue doing this but not so much that it interferes with your ability to relate to her.
How she is adjusting to your country-You won’t be able to know this until after marriage also. How is she adjusting to the different currency? The colder weather? Your family? The different food? Being away from her long-time friends? The language? Anything new to her will be something she could use your help with adjusting to. How will she handle making and having more money than ever before? You will discover how eager she is to ask for help for certain things.
Her health-Her health will also be something you will need to learn about as it is possible she wasn’t able to or avoided regular-check ups with a doctor. She might have some issues but not know it. These are just some ways the Filipina’s husband will learn more about his wife and can be supportive and understanding.
What a Filipina needs: Here are some areas I believe your Filipina absolutely will need you to understand about her after you are married-I will post some links where some of this info comes from.
Listen to her sincerely: Observe her words, body language, and circumstances in order to compassionately understand her. Make eye contact with her, and ask thoughtful questions, like “How did that affect you?” or basic who/what/where/when/why/how questions. Study her, what pressure is she under? What does she need to feel loved? What are her passions, her skills, gifts and abilities? What energizes her? What does she despise? What does she need to feel safe? Is there someone in her life who is bothering her?
To Know She’s Loved-You will need to learn how she needs you to express it to her, as we talked about earlier.
Understanding and Forgiveness-Forgiveness is a necessity to remaining married to someone.
Real Conversation-Having left everything to be with a foreign husband, she will need him to be available to talk to her about more than just the bills, taking care of the children, are chores getting done. A Filipina might tend to be quiet so it helps if the foreigner asks her regularly how she is feeling, if he can do anything for her, if her needs are getting met, etc.
Quality Time With Her (and Your Children)-My wife is able to keep busy without me but there are times she needs me to just be with her, just to eat with her, to rest in bed together. She doesn’t always need to be talking to me. The Filipina will have to decide what quality time means. What it means to me is simply just being with my wife. It can also mean sharing the moment at a movie or watching something on TV. It can mean having a serious talk about something too.
To Hear “Yes” More Than “No”-Not yes always but she shouldn’t be afraid or not confident she can ask you for something or to do something. You can know before marrying her that she will want to hear “yes” more often than she hears “no”.
Better Listening Skills-You can already know that your Filipina will need you to learn how to be a good listener. You know how it is, as guys we tend to think that being a good listener means quickly grasping what the problem is that she is having and then giving a salient solution. But this really isn’t about comprehension or solution, it is about letting her say what’s on her mind, what’s bothering her, and being able to remain silent.
After getting married, both of you will be in new and more difficult situations, that’s just the nature of marriage, and there will be new challenges for her having immigrated to your county. If you want her to take those problems to you instead of calling someone back home, it is imperative to be a good listener. Eventually you will find out what bothers your Filipina wife the most and you will probably hear her talk about it many times. Saying something like “You’ve told me a thousand times, what else do you want me to do?” would be a big mistake. She is aware how often she has brought something up, and each time she needs her husband to merely hear her out.
What I do when my wife has been troubled by something multiple times is hold her hand or hands, rub her back or shoulders, lay with her in bed, just be near and show affirmation by nodding my head. Gently holding her hands shows affirmation too.
Affection and Kindness-No big surprise here. She needs more than to know she is in what you consider a better country in a better situation. The marriage is just the beginning of her journey, not the end.
Shared Household and Child-Rearing Responsibilities-Even if she tells you like my wife does, that she is in charge of things inside the house and me outside the house, she will need occasional help inside the house. Filipinas are hard workers but they can get tired too.
A Day Off Now and Then-Just a day to do nothing at all if that’s what she thinks she needs. At one time my wife worked 12-hour shifts three days one week and then four days the other week. She takes care of the cooking and keeps a nice house so I am fine with her wrapping herself in bed with only her phone for a day.
6 ways to keep learning about your spouse
Here are six ways to keep learning about your spouse, according to one of the links I will have in the description box.
Have regular happiness checkups.
“You should have conversations every six months or so about how you are feeling in all areas of your lives, and if there is anything that would make you happier,” says Bash. “Focusing on the positive and your dreams is a great way to stay close and grow together.” (I especially like the comment about focusing on your dreams being a great way to stay close and grow together. I have always felt that when I take part in doing things for my wife’s family that this brings us closer together. My wife appreciates what I do. When I show interest in the Philippines as a country or the city she is from or make plans for a possible future there, she is more excited than usual.)
Try new things together.
“Whether it’s a new restaurant, new hobby, new vacation destination, or even new grocery store, break the monotony of the familiar by leaving your comfort zone as a couple,” suggests Bash. “Being a little uncomfortable or in different surroundings is a great way to get to know each other better and see new sides that may come out.” (Personally I don’t feel the need to try different things or see different places and my wife is probably similar to that, nevertheless, I can see this being a good idea.)
Take regular walks together.
Not only is it great exercise, but walks are a bonding experience. “Having discussions about whatever is important that day allows both of you to keep in sync with each other’s daily lives,” Bash says. “Sometimes, it can trigger old memories, or at least let you both know what is relevant in the moment to each other, away from the distraction of TV, computers, phones, household chores, or kids that need attention.”
Hang out with each other’s oldest friends.
“Friends that have known us through different phases of our lives always bring out a different side of us,” says Bash. “And often you will see your spouse acting a little different with their old friends. It can be very exciting to see the young, carefree side of your spouse that this friend triggers.” Just let your friends know if there are any off-the-table topics, such as intimate stories about exes.
(I like this idea a lot. Unfortunately, my friends had all married by the time I did which often means you don’t exist anymore, and the last friend I had has been married a long time and is too busy with work and family. I did introduce Aiza to him one day at lunch but that may have been the only time the three of us were together. I have always enjoyed seeing my wife interact with her friends in the Philippines, many from elementary school.)
Take classes together.
“Even if you are very busy, you can usually find time to do a one-day workshop about something that intrigues you both,” suggests Bash. “This will surely evoke new conversations and help you grow together.”
Ask each other’s families for stories. (Another good suggestion I wish I had thought of)
“Getting together and hearing stories from childhood will always give you new insights into your partner, and usually be entertaining,” Bash says. “We also all have unmet needs from childhood, whether it was the puppy we never got or the praise or attention we never received, and you can try now to give that to your partner. It can be very healing and help you know and understand your partner even more.”
I certainly have benefited from these ideas and I hope you have too. Perhaps God will give me and my wife another ten or fifteen years together. We can still learn about each other. For better or worse, marriage makes it easier for me to learn about my Love Beyond The Sea.