Continuing a series that I started recently, I will put in the playlist called Temper Your Emotions with a Filipina, this is the fourth part today. Considering you may have a big age gap, cultural differences, from so far away and perhaps don’t know as much as a married couple usually would, there are a lot of opportunities for conflict and anger. I hope you appreciate this series and will subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea. I have a website called lvbts.com and do podcasts on Casting Beyond The Sea. Here are five causes of anger and what to do about it, from one of the links in the description box.
1. Saying Hurtful Things
You’re angry and you want to inflict damage. You know where the weak spots are. Your good conscience is telling you not to say it because it’s fighting dirty and you don’t really mean it. But you say it anyway. Huge mistake. (If anyone has not experienced this than you are free to leave this video) What was once just an argument that would blow over, has now become something deeper that will stay with her possibly forever. Listen to your conscience. Think about what you say.
Me-I think it takes a real strong man to be angry and not say hurtful things and I hope one day I can do that. That requires an immense amount of self-control. I don’t mean the person who avoids conflict, but the man who can fully understand his emotions in the heat of the moment, can set aside his ego, cannot insist on being right, and can honestly look for solutions. No one wants to hear hurtful words but I think it is especially bad if you say hurtful things to someone who has gone many thousands of miles from home to be your wife. That segues into the next common mistake husbands make in the heat of the moment.
2. Emphasis on Winning
We are competitive. We like to win even when it’s not to our benefit to do so. Getting our way at all costs should never be a primary goal. The goal is what is best for our family and a good marriage. Swallowing pride is not an easy thing, but pride goes before the fall, and placing an emphasis on winning rather than the relationship will bring a fall every time.
Me-Pride goes before destruction. I once heard a man explain his key to being married for 63 years, it was “I’ve learned I would rather be happy than right.” I would think that it took most of his 63 of years of marriage to learn that lesson. Now and then I think to myself that as I get older, I should be able to better prioritize things and not get so worked up.
I tell myself, that marriage isn’t a competition, it is like a cooperation. We are partners, companions. If at the end of the day, I win, then we lose, which means I lost too.
3. Being too Sensitive
I’m a sensitive guy. Wish I wasn’t, but I surely am. My feelings can get hurt and I’ll make dumb decisions because of it. Develop ways to cope with bruised or hurt feelings in a healthy and productive way. Take a time out, assume best intentions, and try to see things objectively rather than personally. Sometimes it’s as simple as going out to the garage and pounding it out on a project or two and you’ll feel better.
Me-I also admit to being sensitive to any unhappiness from my wife. If there is anyone I want to please and think I am doing a good job it is her. I have learned in our five years and nine months of marriage that I take our squabbles way more seriously than my wife does. She sometimes laughs when I am starting to go ballistic. Neither of us wants to go to bed angry or wake up that way.
4. Choosing What Feels Good Over What’s Right
You’ve promised her you will take care of a list of projects on Saturday morning. On Friday, your buddies have a last-minute opening as a 4th to play golf at the same time. What does a husband do here? You love golf. You don’t love cleaning out nasty gutters. Easy choice right? Wrong. Family first. Wife first. Promises are to be kept. Besides, if your buddies really wanted you to begin with, it would already be on your schedule. Never sell out your wife.
Me-I love it, not mincing his words! Not much I want to add to that.
5. Giving into Temptations
Each day temptations are going to present themselves. Those glancing looks, special smiles, private messages. Danger, danger, danger. Train yourself to always see the big picture when dealing with seemingly small temptations. Those small things often lead to large disasters. When your mind and heart begin to want, cut it off early. The big picture is your family and life you’re building.
Me-For most men, the sexual temptation needs to be taken seriously. I know I do. I love my wife like you can’t imagine, she is very precious to me and the apple of my eye. I certainly am not expecting any kind of temptation and don’t intend to look for it, but I know with certainty that if I am not careful, anything could happen. Most of us are weak in this area. To us a breakdown could be brushed off as merely entertainment or “I couldn’t help myself, it meant nothing”, but it is just all too easy to give in to sexual sin. The Bible says “Let every man that thinks he stands take heed, lest he fall”.
If anger has occurred due to a problem you and your Filipina wife are dealing with, that makes you more susceptible to screwing up and ruining your marriage. It can happen before you know what hits you if you aren’t careful. Having said that, marital discord is never a reason for cheating in any way with your wife.
Closing thoughts-try to see things from the other person’s perspective, and be able to recite it to them in your own words. Think about what to say beforehand. Don’t blame her even if she is at fault, you’ll need to find a good way to express yourself. Perhaps “When you do ____it makes me feel _____. Try not to bring past battles into a current one. That will derail your progress. Realize while marriage is such a wonderful institution, it is guaranteed there will be some conflict but how we go about dealing with it will determine if conflict brings us closer together or tears us apart.
As the years go by, I want to temper my anger to grow closer to my love beyond the sea.