By reminding of the past- This is a bad way to communicate. "The discretion of a man defers his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression." Proverbs 19:11. We are to speak the truth in love, Ephesians 4:15. We can be angry and sin not, Ephesians 4:26. We all screw up, multiple times.
We don’t want to be reminded of it. In sports, some coaches try to push players to greater levels of competence by reminding them they aren’t perfect, they didn’t do it perfectly, they could have still done it better. That wouldn’t motivate me to do anything but want to punch them! If your Filipina wife is doing something again that you may have already told her you don’t like, there is the temptation to recall past occurrences to make your point (as if it will help), to not necessarily speak it out of love, but to wound. It doesn’t have to be that way. We could talk a long time about forgiveness but that factors in to the idea of not reminding your wife of past transgressions. We are to forgive “70 times 7”, which is always.
That doesn’t preclude trying to find a resolution however, it is just about doing it the right way, the way that doesn’t cause more problems and honors the person we are at odds with. The Bible says of those who are forgiven, that God remembers their sins no more and that is simply how I am to regard my Filipina wife. Here are some helpful tips from pschcentral.com that I will put in the description for you
1. Acknowledge the problem Figure out what it is that’s causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue you can then make a choice to move forward from there.
2. Share your feelings. A grudge can form when an issue isn’t fully confronted. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then, decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involved the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and able to resolve the issue.
3. Switch places. To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question was in a lot of pain. This doesn’t justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is to let go of a grudge.
4. Accept what is. Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don’t wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don’t offer an apology, it doesn’t mean they are not remorseful.
5. Don’t dwell on it. Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don’t put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.
6. Take the positive. For every negative situation there is a positive. If you take this as a learning experience, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself and the other person. Choose to learn a valuable lesson or walk away with a better understanding that can help you let go of the issue and not resent the other person.
7. Let it go. Letting go allows room for peace and happiness. A long-lasting grudge will only drain you physically and emotionally and can surely affect your health. You will use more energy than you can imagine by holding a grudge than you will by letting go.
8. Forgive. Of course, forgiving doesn’t mean you will forget the issue. It’s just acknowledging your differences and accepting that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes we should learn from. Forgiving isn’t the easiest to do especially when you’ve endured a lot of hurt and pain, but it’s the only way to truly let go and have peace.
Leave the past in the past and bury the hatchet to move ahead with your Love Beyond the Sea.
