I will link an article below that lists the points I will use in this video, but I am going to change them to the status of when you are single. Today-When to stop chatting with a Filipina. Please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea and I will do the best that I know, to help someone to consider a Filipina for marriage, and to have a good marriage with her. That frequently begins at the online stage.
Today, I want to talk about ways to recognize that it is time to consider that the Filipina you have been talking to might not be the one you should marry. Please share if you have had a time when you decided it was best to move on and what made you realize that. I am changing the words to the points but not the meaning, I will link the full article.
Discussion has become impossible.- For whatever reason, if your communication has stalled, you’ll need to ascertain why. It may be that the Filipina has found someone else she is more interested in. You can ask her if she is learning things about you that make her uncomfortable. Maybe her family is against your relationship, or it is possible there isn’t good chemistry. There was one Filipina I had contacted but I think perhaps her English was not good, as it seemed like she was using a translator, but something wasn’t right. I made the decision to keep looking. The following indicators would contribute to this.
Both of you are quick to find a fault and pounce on it.-This would be troubling. If one of you is late for a chat and that irritates the other person, that would tell me that someone is being a bit controlling. If someone feels that once they attain a degree of comfort level with the other person, that now they have the right to be critical or quick to point out a fault then in my opinion, you have to move on, no matter how pretty she is.
If either the foreigner or the Filipina is making critical remarks before they have even met, I don’t know how that wouldn’t only get worse after they did. Maybe either one feels that because they have established a level of relationship with the other person, that gives them the right to be critical. Most likely this is a personality trait that is being carried into this online relationship. Obviously, both are free to communicate who whomever they want, so I’d think both would want to be on their best behavior all the time.
The very first webcam I did was with a Filipina who immediately pointed out how she didn’t like my hair, it was too long (it was longer then). I was a little taken aback but not shocked that she felt that way, it was more her facial expressions about it. On one hand, I appreciate she told me that, but on the other hand I was surprised she made as much about it as she did, considering we had just met. Not a deal breaker, but compare this to how my wife handled this.
Like the first Filipina, my wife let me know, not right away, that she preferred guys that had shorter hair and no beard. This preference of hers didn’t prevent us from continuing to chat, because we chatted a lot. She would remind me in a non-threatening or judgmental way that she preferred I didn’t have a beard. She would work that in, while we were continuing to get to know each other.
This was smart on her part. One day I surprised her by shaving my beard, which was my choice because I was really starting to click with her and already, I knew I wanted to please her. She hadn’t been controlling or made an ultimatum. She was patient and eventually got what she wanted. It took her a while longer to work on my hair!
Of course, in the initial stages you are trying to be kind and complimentary and not confrontational. If she begins to find fault quickly and more than once, then it is likely time to move on. If you didn’t, you might find yourself in this next situation.
You walk on eggshells or duck contact (or your partner does).-Like I said, initially you want to both be civil and not critical, but if you persist in giving a Filipina a chance because you like something about her, but are uncomfortable talking about certain things, then it may be time to keep looking.
Since the foreigner is looking to make a large investment in time and money and this involves some risk and trust, then there shouldn’t be a topic that is taboo, if he thinks he needs to know. Let’s say the Filipina doesn’t want to talk about past relationships or is hesitant to talk about present ones, that would be a red flag. If he is dying to know something but feels like continuing to pry for that information results in her becoming upset with him, then I would just move on.
If he is afraid to ask her about jobs she had in the past because she gets upset and wants to change the subject, he might need to really force the issue by saying if she isn’t going to be honest with him then he is moving on. If you can’t get straight answers then what’s the point of continuing?
Her familiar ways of acting now irritate you (or worse)-Naturally we tend to overlook some things early on, especially if we feel a connection with someone, but when he finds some things annoying about her and it is really bothering him, either he has to learn to let it go or just to let go of her. This might not be something she is doing wrong but the foreigner is increasingly troubled by something about her. It could be her accent, her handle on the English language, resentment of her lack of education or how much she talks about her family.
Maybe she had a way about her that was endearing at first but now is irritating, like the way she laughed or acted in some way. If this is threatening to put an end to what looked like a promising relationship, it may be time for some self-reflection on the part of the foreigner. On the other hand, if she has a personal habit that he can’t stand, he might need to move on, rather than be frustrated or frustrate her, wanting her to change.
He has to be careful to avoid trying to control her. If he tends to be a perfectionist, irritation over her is going to need to be dealt with. We simply can’t find the perfect wife in every way because she doesn’t exist, and even if she did, she wouldn’t want me! We all need to ask ourselves if we love this Filipina enough to get past certain things that have become irritating, All we have to do is look at ourselves to see how much could be changed for the better.
Subtle and not-so-subtle verbal abuse has become habitual.-This is more likely to happen when the foreigner and Filipina have met and are continuing to meet in person. I would be very concerned this could continue into marriage. There is simply no place for this whether dating or married. If this is happening on the part of either person, it is time to move on and hopefully find out why this happened.
She isn’t the person you turn to when you’re stressed.-This one I think goes both ways, once a relationship has been established, it would be nice to see more looking to each other for support. Filipinas tend to be shy, so this might make it more difficult for her to confide in a foreigner, it might take longer. If I had a bad day or have been going through a rough time, I think it is acceptable to be able to expect your Filipina prospect to be able to offer some sympathy and support. When you’re married this is going to be needed for the rest of your lives.
We got married so quickly, we probably bypassed this situation. That’s not a bad thing because we do turn to each other when we’re stressed, but it’s possible I could have noticed that she looked to her family for support and that would have been something we’d need to talk about.
That would make me feel like maybe she didn’t think I could relate, or understand and help her but I would want the chance to find out. I would want to prove to her that I can be understanding. I would need to be careful that she is avoiding talking to me when she is stressed because she thinks I want to get straight to a solution, when she isn’t asking for one.
If the shoe is on the other foot, let’s say the foreign man has had a relationship with a Filipina for a while and it is going well and he is considering marrying her. If he notices that he tends to talk to his friends or his family first when he is stressed, I would wonder why he doesn’t go straight to her, even if they aren’t married yet. Why not start looking to each other for support then? Could it be that he doesn’t think she is able to help him when he is stressed out?
If he has a valid reason for that, then this might be an indication he isn’t serious about her as a marriage partner. She probably is serious about getting married, so I think if they can’t turn to each other for support when they are stressed before looking elsewhere (except to pray), then I’m not sure it has potential after all.
You spend most of your time thinking or functioning like someone- who’s single.-I am saying this as if an observer, so if I had a friend who was telling me he had this great relationship with a Filipina overseas and is bragging about her and chatting her up a lot, but then I don’t notice him acting like he wants to be more responsible in life, I would wonder if he is ready to marry her. If he still spends the same amount of time with his buddies, that will cut into the more important time he needs to continue to get to know the Filipina.
I knew I needed to be mature and unselfish if I was to get married and I expected there to be bumps in the road, and I wasn’t experienced in relationships. I do believe that having few relationships might be better than having a lot of unsuccessful ones. If I am getting serious about someone, then I should take a look at my life and consider my weaknesses, and begin to work on them because marriage will exacerbate weaknesses, and it won’t build character, it will reveal it.
There’s no eye or physical contact between you.-This is more for when the foreigner and Filipina have been together in person. Why would lack of eye contact or lack of physical contact between them be a problem serious enough to scrap the relationship? It could be that there is a sense of shame for some reason, or a sense that they aren’t suited for each other, or a lack of sexual attraction. Maybe one of the two is experiencing a lot of guilt. It could also be an indication that they aren’t suited to each other for marriage. Time to break it off.
You’re no longer acting like yourself.-If you or our family or friends notice that you are acting differently than normal, then it may be that the long distance relationship with the Filipina is to blame, or at least something about it. If the foreigner is uneasy with it or is not as happy as normal, perhaps more easily irritated or somehow there is a sense that he might have been better off before he met her, he at least needs to recognize others concerns.
What I am going to say next kind of fits with number 1 (discussion has become impossible). I have talked about the nine points in the article, changing the words a bit to focus on a foreigner and Filipina relationship. I am finished with that. The concern about giving money to the Filipina’s family or allowing her to work in your country when married so she can support family back home, needs to be talked about before getting married. I want to be sensitive to how the foreigner feels about this as well as the Filipina. If this topic of conversations drives a wedge between the foreigner and Filipina, what they have going on needs to be suspended or terminated before they get married.
I had a general idea when I married my Filipina that it is normal and expected for a foreign husband to help his wife’s family (when you marry, they are your family) financially. I didn’t realize my wife would help as much as she has, but I am fine with that. We are doing alright and we don’t have any children. I also didn’t understand how much I would grow to love her family. My wife’s family in the Philippines is very important to her, and therefore, is important to me too. I have insisted my wife let me help, whether it was for a need or not. I enjoy giving to them.
If the foreigner has not been to the Philippines, it would be a good idea he does that. He might not recognize how poor parts of the country are, and how difficult it is to have enough to feel comfortable. It was an eye opener for me. I have been there four times and I know exactly how and why we are helping her family. This should give him a reason to reconsider if he has been resistant to approve of family help.
If he still insists that he won’t help and doesn’t want her to help, then that is his decision and he is the husband and should be followed by his wife. He should also realize how unhappy and unsatisfied she would be in this situation. So, for all practical purposes, he would need to be happy with an unhappy wife, or allow her to help which would make her happy and more likely to follow him in other ways. It’s up to him.
I believe they both need to be committed to working everything out and that will include making personal sacrifices and accepting things about each other and maybe the dynamics of the relationship that you might want to change, but aren’t going to be able to, or shouldn’t try to force to change. Choose someone you can work with together for the rest of your lives, but you are under no obligation, none whatsoever, during the dating stage.
I am glad I didn’t have to stop chatting with my love beyond the sea!