Marriage Advice

How my Filipina Wife and I make up quickly after a fight

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I hope to have this channel continuing to grow over time, and for that to happen, my wife and I need to keep working out differences and difficulties we face, deal with arguments properly and be good to each other. If we don’t do that, our relationship is in jeopardy, not just this channel. Please subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea to learn practical ways to have a good relationship with a Filipina through the challenges any married couple has, and no one knows what might happen in the future. This is your chance to share a comment about how you and your Filipina make up after an argument. I used the word fight in the topic because it has a more troubling connotation, and is what happens if an argument is not resolved sooner than later. Check out my website, and remember to go where you’re wanted. Whomever you marry, you will need to know how to not let disagreements and clashes linger.

When we have a disagreement or an argument that just occurred, both of us feel terrible. We have been married since May of 2015 and together since January of 2016. We have had our share of arguments and considering we only knew each other for 54 days, we didn’t know how each of us would handle adversity. Every couple will have to deal with this but most of the time the married couples have had a much longer dating period than we did, and we communicated about 9,800 miles apart. When you are doing webcams and even chatting a lot, you will still bypass some situations that could cause conflict when you aren’t in each other’s presence.

You can imagine where the conflict could come from-who will do which duties around the apartment (at that time), how food will be cooked, what we will eat, how clothes will be washed, how dishes will be washed, etc. Naturally you will have some disagreements here. Those we handled fairly quickly and didn’t allow any hard feelings, didn’t allow it to get personal. I think we both wanted to make things work and not let petty things become more than petty things.

To be honest with you, I have a difficult time remembering what our disagreements were about, which should be the first point I make about making up quickly, and that is to say what needs to be said, then move on, while reinforcing love for the one who was offended. In the very outset we probably more or less got over it, because the issues were not serious things, just practical household things that we were not in synch with. It is a potentially volatile situation when a foreign man is now married to and living with a younger woman from another culture from so far away and they didn’t know each other well from experience.

I didn’t want to enforce anything with her, I wanted her to get acclimated to being away from home and in a new place. I was very cognizant of the difficulty she must have been having with this big move. Allow her to feel sad, to be homesick. That’s an important thing to keep in mind, to try to put yourself in her shoes. It also helps to ask her throughout the early days how she is doing and is there anything your can do for her? You want to get off to a good start so early on I think it is best to focus on getting to know each other and making her feel loved.

After this stage has passed, she might be more vocal than before and feel more comfortable to say what is on her mind. You want her to speak up. Don’t make the mistake of telling her she needs to be quiet and just do what you say; she isn’t your slave; she is your equal that you should consider better than yourself. I think many of our disagreements once we got settled in, were because she felt like I didn’t trust her or didn’t think she was able to do something well.

There will be misunderstandings, as usual. She will at some point feel more comfortable telling you she is unhappy about something, maybe about you! I would suggest perceiving this as a good thing, because she cares enough to say something. Of course, never resort to name calling, insults or physical contact. Throughout the relationship I have always told Aiza in different ways how important she is to me, and how wonderful I think she is.

I am not suggesting to never feel like you have to put your foot down and say that there is something that absolutely must stop or start, I am suggesting that at this early stage of maybe the first six months, that she be allowed to get settled in without the added burden of wrangling with her husband. You’ll get upset with each other, just don’t over assert yourself, say your piece as constructively as possible and move on.

Early on in our marriage there was more of an emphasis by each of us on who is right. I can recall times that my wife probably hadn’t developed the trust for me yet. This is understandable when getting married so soon. Not getting married too young, because in our case I had thought for many years about marriage and at least had that experience going for me. I believe that helped make it through the early years. Both of us had to learn to be patient with each other. I think it is possible that two people from a VLDR would try extra hard to work on the marriage because they realize the risks that were involved and the expenses as well as the visa wait, and want to prove to others that they made the right choice.

Whether it was how the dish washer would be loaded to anything having to do with the arrangement of our place, I learned to not interfere. I tried not to belabor my opinion, and tried to not come across as controlling. We have a few guidelines in our marriage such as needing to talk about big financial decisions, keeping in touch with Messenger or Viber. A big one is that I will try to defer to her whenever possible for her happiness but if ever we just can’t decide together then she must allow me to make the decision. There will be times I have a differing opinion but the situation isn’t so crucial that I can’t allow her to do what she thinks is best. Analyze if a situation is even worth arguing about or to what degree.

As our relationship has grown, I have learned to try to treat Aiza the same, whether we have had an argument or not. I want her to see that an argument isn’t going to make me care any less for her. I try not to change how I touch her or compliment her or act around her. I am 57 years old, I should expect a lot of myself in this relationship. The longest we have taken to reconcile is probably just a couple of days. That is rare.

By now I think both of us know more about ourselves as we have learned about how we are together and about each other, and I’d like to think we have a quiet confidence that whatever the issue was in the most recent clash, that we are not going to let it fester for long. I find going to bed is a good time for me to pray for us since I know we have cooled off at least a little, and I need to avoid wanting to be on the attack. I also frequently remind myself how much I love her and think about our love story and want it to continue the rest of my life. I haven’t even mentioned forgiveness but it is critical. You are both going to need it. As the head of the relationship I think the husband should be the one to teach forgiveness in the relationship. Here are the highlights from this video-

Don’t argue about petty things, don’t let argument become personal, and make up quickly. Let her get acclimated, give her space to feel sad about being away from the Philippines, put yourself in her shoes, don’t be demanding, focus on getting to know each other and making her feel loved. As she adjusts, view her opening up about what upsets her as a good sign. It probably means she is comfortable enough to engage you. Never resort to name calling or insults or physical contact.

Tell her in different ways how important she is to you and how wonderful she is. Be constructive if you have something critical to say. Defer to her whenever possible, analyze if a situation is even worth arguing about and to what degree. Try to treat her the same as you would if you weren’t clashing about something. Pray about it, and remind yourself how much you love her and that you want your love story to continue for the rest of your life. Take the lead and talk to her about the need for both to be forgiving. I will link some videos in the description box on not being controlling and marital harmony.

That’s how I try to defuse fights with my love beyond the sea.

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