I don’t know if this has ever been on your mind but because of a stereotype of some Filipinas, foreigners interested in Filipinas have wondered if they should inquire about the sexual past of a woman that they are interested in. On the one hand, it seems like a fair question, simply because you would want to know because of at least two reasons.
One is you might wonder if she has a sexually transmitted disease. Another is if she might be promiscuous. That’s why you would ask. You don’t want to catch something from her and you would like to be assured you are marrying someone you can trust. Here are seven questions to ask, if you are so inclined, to a Filipina from the other side of the world that you don’t know all that well yet.
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You can ask her about her views of contraception and abortion.
Have you ever been molested? This isn’t of her choosing of course, but I think it is appropriate to ask her, because if she has, she may need counseling.
Have you suffered sexual abuse? This is like the previous question. I think it is reasonable for her to ask you about things like this. She might not bring it up on her own. If she is a victim of abuse, you should know and she should get counseling if she needs it.
Have you been affected by pornography? I would hope she hasn’t but if she has, this could end up affecting your relationship with her. Here in America, porn use among women is increasing but I don’t know about other countries.
How many sexual partners have you had? I would prefer this question be answered on the woman’s initiative. I have to admit I would be shy to ask this but would want to know. If you are hesitant to ask this question, you might be able to get the answer by revealing your past sexual experiences and see if she follows suit. Otherwise, just ask her. If you are hesitant to reveal your past, I think you would be withholding information from her that she ought to know.
Some of you guys might not have any qualms about asking this normally private question, but I am bringing it up because it could be on the mind of a foreigner wanting to marry a Filipina. I believe going into a marriage that there can’t be anything either one is ashamed or unwilling to talk about. Uncomfortable? Of course, but after marriage is not the time discover something you consider a deal-breaker.
Before even asking a question like this, you’ll need to be able to tell her why it concerns you. You could say something like “You haven’t given me any indication you are a promiscuous woman, but I am really serious about you. I don’t expect you to be perfect, I’ve certainly done things I shouldn’t have, but can you please tell me if you have been sexually active with other men? I won’t leave you if say you have had other guys, but I would feel better feeling like I know you well enough to ask this question.”
Have you been tested for STDs/HIV? When someone once told me that they were going to ask their Filipina prospect to get tested for STDs, I had to think about that for a while. I certainly understood his concern, but what I was wondering was if there was a good way to go about asking it. I don’t think you can be concerned about how she takes it; it is a sensible question to ask no matter where the woman lives.
If she has no sexual past, she should be proud of it, not ashamed and if she has a sexual past, she should be willing to address his concerns. That works both ways. As a Christian, I believe in forgiveness. If a woman took exception to being asked about her past, I would understand however, if this is something critical for someone, then they need to discuss it in detail.
Would you be willing to go in for testing again before we get more involved? If I was asked this question, I would immediately say yes. If we had already talked about our pasts, and I thought we were done talking about it, I might be a little miffed but I would still say yes. Saying no would just make me look guilty and passing the test would show her I don’t have an STD. Refusing to would make me look guilty. Yes, it is a sensitive question, but one that is a fair one.
My hope would be that two adults would simply understand that this is something you would want to know. Not because she lives in another country where there is the stereotype that Filipinas are easy (plenty have morals), but because people are people are people. We are all sinners and the sexual temptation is at the top of the list I believe for most men and women.
If you would be hesitant to ask a question about her sexual past, could it be that you don’t want her to do the same? If you are not willing to talk to her about your past, if she inquires, she is likely to move on and you would likely do the same.
If this is a concern to you, I encourage you engage her about it, without fear. There shouldn’t be anything off limits with your potential love beyond the sea.