I have been ruminating over some insights from a trial lawyer named James J. Sexton. Today I am beginning a multi-part series from excerpts from this book. No, there’s nothing to worry in our marriage.
The other night I was in bed with Aiza and the few things I read made me get her attention and say “Wow, hon, take a look at this guy’s comments in his book!” It was like when you hear a song for the first time and already know you’re in love with it. I want to share some of the things from his book because I agree with them and they fit right in with my philosophy on Love Beyond The Sea. When I met my wife on line, I was actually pretty quick to tell her that I wanted a biblical marriage, which is to try to love each other selflessly with defined roles of the husband being the head and responsible for the well being of the marriage, and a wife to submit to that headship. I invest my life in her good and she is my helper. Please check out my life stream about what submission is and what it isn’t in the description box. My point is for us, I needed a wife who was committed to doing her best to follow this, and I understand this is difficult and will not be perfect, but that’s got to be our goal. I would be doing a lot of giving to her, and in return I need her help and respect, I needed her to follow me. I want her to trust I only want what’s for her good. I told this little woman I got engaged to in 18 days that I had three basic needs that were unfulfilled as a single man-Companionship, touch, intimacy. I didn’t describe in much detail the kinds of things I wanted to do together, I just wanted to do it together. Aiza bought something we have in our house that says “Together is my favorite place to be”, which perfectly describes how I felt back then. Touch just means I want to be affectionate to her like PDA (I will link that video too) and I need it also.
The intimacy part is I still wanted physical intimacy. Whether you disclose this in your profile or open up with a Filipina, you are responsible for describing the roles of each other, what you are giving and what you need to receive. I don’t want to shackle Aiza, I want her to work for her family, I want her to feel the amount of independence she feels she needs, while maintaining that I have these several basic needs which I reinforce from time to time. She said to me that marrying me and coming to America was very important to her so she could best help her family and she didn’t expect me to do all of this for her. I wasn’t upset with her because I understand that’s important. She always said she wanted to work so I understood from what I knew of the Filipino culture that she would want to help her family. That didn’t make me feel unappreciated or ignored.
I accepted that, but I also communicated the needs that I had and if she could do that, I’d be happy. I agree it is helpful to discuss what exactly is meant by “success”, “happiness” and “security”, at least the best you can. It is easier for me to have something practical in place that I can evaluate.
I am not expecting perfection in these areas because I know that can’t happen. If both of us feel our needs are reasonably being met, we are reasonable happy and we believe our marriage is getting stronger as time goes by, then I will be pleased with that.