Relationship Advice

Still More Ways to Keep Your Filipina From Becoming Americanized

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Do activities together-This should be self-explanatory but I mention this so that she feels like you are invested in the relationship. A Filipina isn’t looking for a perfect man, she is looking for a stable, loving, kind and considerate husband. If the foreign man somehow is thinking that since he has won this great prize in marriage, who should just be glad she is out of the Philippines, and has it so much better than before, I think that is a recipe for complacency and that could unwittingly crack the door open for someone to plant wrong ideas in her head.

Let’s just assume that there will be someone or some people trying to wrongly influence your Filipina wife. You need to go on dates together! I’d love to go for some walks with my wife but we haven’t so far. It is about to get cold so that’s out until next year. We have taken a few trips in the car in addition to that big vacation in Paris. We try to have dinner together instead of doing our separate things. My wife gets home from work after I do and even if I have already eaten, I should go upstairs to the kitchen and be there with her when she has dinner.

It is good for us that we are both homebodies so just being at home together is satisfying for both of us. I try to do a live stream when she is at work so she doesn’t feel like I am avoiding her. Recently we initiated a movie date night every other week. She is a big Lebron James fan so we’ve watched some of his highlights and even a full game a few years ago. She has gone to college basketball games with me and even a football game. She isn’t really into football but she has watched some with me on television. At the game we were at in person, our team got a sack late in the game to preserve the win, the crowd of 90,000 people was going crazy, I looked at my wife and she was tapping away on her cell phone! I should add, and this isn’t easy for me, to be willing to try things you haven’t done before like places to eat or places to see. Let her “build her nest” in your home-You’ll want to do things for and with your Filipina wife that encourages her to invest herself in the relationship.

One of those things would be to pretty much give her the oversight of how your house looks. In all likelihood she will have different ideas of color scheme, how to decorate, where to put things etc. She will do things differently than in the home you grew up in and the way you did things before getting married. It may be a blend of the way her place was in the Philippines and what she envisions your place together to look like. I see no reason why to not defer to her in this area, which may be more important to her than to you anyway. My wife likes to watch those shows on television where renovations are done. She likes to watch with my mother. She watches YouTube videos on how to decorate. She is naturally organized, which I love about her. She picked the colors to our basement where we spend most of our time. She decides where the furniture goes, where the television should be.

I want her to know that this is her house. She belongs here. I don’t see any need to interfere and insist that we have things lined up by my preference. She has a vision for how we could renovate our storage room, for what we could do in the garage to help with storage. If I were to insist on my way, this just potentially sets her up to be contaminated with feminism because other women could tell her than I am trying to control her and am being unfair and so on. Talk with her family-I don’t know why a Filipina would emotionally leave her Philippine roots being married to a man who talks to her family, or makes an honest attempt to do so. She can always find someone who isn’t interested in her family, who isn’t interested in learning some Filipino words, who isn’t interested in basically knowing how they are doing. To be disinterested in talking/texting with her family would cause resentment but could also give her the notion that she should look for someone else. This area is important. Even if it just waving or saying their name. Love her family-It isn’t possible to say you love her without doing something tangible to show it. Personally speaking, helping my wife’s family with some financial needs is a great way to show her that I love her family. I can’t just say that I love them and not do it.

Does it always have to do with money? In some cases no, but in many cases yes it does. To show them love is to meet whatever need they may have that you are able to meet. To help prevent your Filipina wife from becoming “Americanized”, to think about hypergamy, to start to develop habits that are different than what she is used to, loving her family is a good way to keep her with you, to keep her loyal to you. I get the impression when we’ve been in the Philippines that sometimes my wife feels like I am avoiding her family if I would rather stay in the air-conditioned hotel room or take a nap. I tell her the heat bothers me and I am tired but I also want to go with her to her family at least once a day. That will change when we are in our Philippines house. Another good thing you can do is memorize as many names of family members as possible. Help her grow as a person- The next three are things that you might be tempted to think will help set her up to leave you but they should have the opposite effect. If you trust her, and that could be yet another point to list here, you will want her to be successful in any way possible, especially if you have a large age gap. If so, you know that she may live a long time after your death and you want to help put her in a position to be successful in life. If, while helping her grow and flourish, you are the type of husband I try to teach about on Love Beyond The Sea, she should want to stay with you and not be influenced by harmful outside influences. How have I tried to do this? At one time my wife was considering some schooling, perhaps at a community college nearby. I would have supported her in that.

I did what I could to help her find a job. I have encouraged her at work to try to develop her computer skills even more because that is something she is good at. It can help her on the job. She is mechanically inclined so I have encouraged her to learn different jobs at her current job that could help the group and help her. I taught her to drive. I encourage her to attend women’s events at church and she recently went to a conference with some women from church. If I see something she does well, then I try to encourage her to find a way to use it to help others. She is good with children so I have encouraged her with that. I want her to grow socially too and since she is on the shy side, I have to be patient. Help her find good friends-I have a video about helping her find friends. You can’t control who she will come across but you can be aware of potential women that could be a good influence on her. I found a married Filipina a bit older than my wife, with three children, who has been a good influence on my wife. I had asked my pastor if he knew anyone who could help with this, when my wife arrived here in January of 2016. There was a woman at church who was a little older but she and her husband moved recently.

I pray about this because it is important. If your Filipina has the right kind of friends, she is less likely to be victimized by becoming “Americanized”. I am impressed with the friends my wife has back in the Philippines. I wish it were always possible to get to know her friends back home. I have met them on the three times I have been in the Philippines and I have told her since we’ve been married that she has good, clean, wholesome friends that I can’t believe aren’t married. They aren’t “Americanized” or “Westernized” and by complimenting her on her choice of friends, I am reinforcing the kind of values that will help her remain a committed wife while retaining the characteristics that attracted me to her in the first place. Help her find a job-This will take a lot of pressure off of trying to not be too frugal. Sure, if she works, she could be subject to being influenced by someone with feministic views but unless the foreign man is loaded, she will need to have a job and she’ll probably want to work anyway. Having a job will allow her to help her family a lot. If she doesn’t work, she will get bored and who knows, that could influence her to deviate from her usual nature. If she isn’t allowed to work, she could give in to other people telling her she is being treated poorly and she might rebel. If the man is in a situation where he has enough income that she doesn’t have to work and he is able to help her family sufficiently then that would be different as long as she has enough fulfilling things to do during the day. Even so, she still might refuse to not work, and I would lean towards letting her work.

After a while if she feels that it is too much of a hassle then she would be able to stay at home, but the key here is that she is allowed to work. Working also assumes you will need to teach her how to drive or have someone else do it, but I think it would be better to do it with her because that is another activity you can do together and look back upon later. Don’t control her-I have a video called “There is no need to control your Filipina”. If she has been working to support her family in the Philippines, again, she probably will want that to continue in America. It is likely a source of pride for her. Disallowing that might be a source of conflict. If your Filipina wife is much younger then it is possible there is more potential for conflict in the area of her feeling like she is being controlled. That is because the man could think that she should always accept what he says since this is his country, he knows the “lay of the land”, is wiser, and makes more money.

Control could be in how she dresses, whether she wears makeup or not, her hairstyle, eating habits, how much time she is on Facebook, how she decorates the house, the music she listens to, how frugal to be, how she washes the dishes or the clothes, where she puts all the stuff in the bathroom, the food she cooks and a hundred more things. If something is of dire importance to the man then they need to discuss it, but what the older foreigner has to keep in mind is he is in not her father, neither does she want him to be. She is his wife, his partner. I have a video called “Husband or Father figure to your Filipina wife?”. You could also see the playlist called “younger wife”. Another source of conflict can be how much money will need to be used to support her family in the Philippines. If the foreigner is stingy here or insists that no money will be given, then that could very well lead to her going off the rails and starting to listen to the feministic influences she might be exposed to. This is a good time in the video to say that when men criticize a Filipina for becoming “Americanized”, I think he always needs to be aware of how he can positively and negatively impact that. The purpose of this upload is to show men a lot of ways he is able to help prevent his Filipina wife from becoming “Americanized”.

There are things he can do to keep her grounded and faithful. I am detailing quite a few. If he is the opposite of these then he would be part of the problem with her changing her attitude. Filipinas will become “Americanized” is a myth. They might, especially if they are predisposed to it (so choose wisely), but I believe that the husband has enough influence to prevent this from happening. I will exaggerate this to make a point. If this Filipina’s husband is controlling, spends ample time with his friends or in a hobby thus leaving her alone, is suspicious of her working and making friends, talks down about the Philippines, refuses to try Filipino food, doesn’t communicate at all with her family, he would have a lot of audacity to blame his wife for becoming “Americanized”. In my videos I have always alluded to or stated that the man needs to take responsibility for what happens in the marriage. He is the CEO of the marriage. He needs to find solutions to problems; he has to work to keep them from happening or worsening. He isn’t perfect but doesn’t have to be. He needs to be discerning enough to know that in America there are a lot of negative influences, such as feminism. His new Filipina wife very well might hear some things from women with bad intentions, to get her to become “enlightened”. Men might get in her ear about being married to a much older man. If he can do the things I am listing here, he is helping immensely to lessen the likelihood his Filipina will succumb to being “Americanized”.

Don’t be overprotective (she will resent this)-This is similar to the previous one but the difference is that being controlling is more absolute or total, whereas being overprotective allows for more freedom but has an element of distrust or giving the impression your Filipina wife is not capable. One example would be if I refused to allow my wife to learn how to drive. It’s one thing if she has poor vision or reflexes but it’s another if there really isn’t a good reason for her not to learn how to drive, yet I still won’t let her. I am always cognizant something could happen to her on the road, so I frequently remind her to drive safely, look both ways when she is the first car into the intersection and to be careful on the ice. Recently someone was killed on a nearby intersection where we live and a man at work nearly lost his wife and daughter when a 17-year old went barreling through an intersection at 50 miles an hour and ran into their car. I would wrap my wife up in bubble wrap if it would keep her safe but I have to trust her to drive for her to be able to work and go places, especially when I get older and can’t drive anymore.

An exception I could see is if you live in an area of very heavy traffic which is generally dangerous. This could also apply to being overprotective about her friends. You should be able to trust that she has the sense to avoid the wrong type of women for friendship. Unnecessary restriction on what she does with the money she earns could fall into the overprotective category. I can talk to her about what I consider wasteful and unnecessary, but I have to be able to trust her to learn to make good decisions. Afterall, if she works in America, she will be making money hand over fist compared to the Philippines, and like the rest of us will learn how to make good use of it, and we all spend some money frivolously now and then. Another way to be overprotective is with the clothes she wears. If you married a younger Filipina, you don’t want her to dress like an older woman, at least I don’t. I want her to shop at the stores for younger women, we’ve gone to those stores together. I don’t even mind sorting through the clothes with her or asking for help from the salespeople (ok, maybe I am showing off a bit). I don’t want her to dress like a slut and neither does she. She has good sense. I don’t want to force her to wear clothes that I consider a turn on although I do tell her what they are. To be controlling would be to insist she dress a certain way or prohibit her from wearing certain clothes, and to be overprotective would be to harp on what not to wear and to overstate your preference for certain clothes. Another thing that would be overprotective would be to always want to know who she is texting with or messaging with as if you didn’t trust her. If you attempt to restrict her ability to make certain choices then you run the risk of her becoming “Americanized” by virtue of her becoming open to the words of others who are not responsible for her and who don’t care about her as much as you do.

Be committed to her-If your wife knows that you are 100% committed to her then she is less likely to give in to temptation to be influenced by someone who tells her you are too old for her, she could do better, she’s being oppressed by her husband, she should go her own way and so on. Learn to speak Filipino, at least some words or phrases-I will approach this from the opposite side-the foreigner who shows no interest in learning any Filipino words or phrases is sending the message that he is not interested in her culture and the subtle message that he might not be completely invested in her. If you know that she will respect you for trying to learn a few words, and you know that now since I just told you, then to be disinterested in that will probably hurt her feelings. Learning some words and phrases can only help bring you closer together. Anything that can do that will help prevent her from becoming “Americanized”. I will link a video to that as my wife patiently endures trying to teach me some phrases. Treat her well-Respect Series-How to communicate-How to love-Help with Marital Harmony, etc.-I have made these videos to help with being able to treat your Filipina wife well and a lot more.

My thought here is why would she be swayed to adopt liberal American ways if she feels safe and secure with her husband? I am not suggesting you have to live in fear of her becoming “Americanized” by suggesting these things, only that by treating her as well as possible, it will be more difficult for outside influences to have an effect on her. Consider retiring in the Philippines-One thing this does is limit the time your Filipina wife could become contaminated by feministic ideas. If you have plans on retiring in the Philippines, her thoughts will be on one day being with her family again every day and she is less likely to become Americanized”, to be caught up in the liberality of America. Her thoughts will be on going home again, not on picking up bad habits from people who are not “Philippinized”. I can’t speak for all Filipinas in another country, but I would bet that most of them would prefer to live in the Philippines if they were more financially secure. If their husband is open to that, I can only see that as being good for her to retain her Philippine ideals and outlook on life, which foreigners find very attractive.

Engage in marriage talk-The reason I think this is important is that it shows you are committed to her. Talk to her about your needs, and her needs. Talk about the two of you being one unit. Ask her what she needs to feel safe, protected. When I dated my wife on line, it didn’t take long for me to talk to her about marriage, what I saw being married to me would look like. I told her I wanted to make her dreams come true, to protect her and provide for her. As we have been married now for four and a half years, I still talk to her about that. I reiterate my love for her, and my goals and expectations of myself as her husband. I tell her I am to give up my life for her, to meet her needs. I also talk to her about the kind of wife I need and let her know when she pleases me. Ask “What are you thinking, feeling, believing, experiencing?”-This is a good practice especially if your wife is not very talkative. My wife doesn’t exactly wear her heart on her sleeve like I do.

I can tell by her facial expression, or her body language if something isn’t right, but I think her preference would be to not say anything. I am not like that. I need to sensitively ask her if anything is wrong, if she is alright. Most of the time when I ask her how she is doing or how her day at work was, she will reply with “good”. I may have to ask her what was good about her day. Saying to her “honey, what’s on your mind?”, “sweetie, how are you feeling?”, “my love, what do you believe about this?”, honey bear, what are you experiencing right now, what’s going on inside of you?” are good ways to allow her to talk about something that is bothering her. Life is so busy here in America, the days pass quickly, it can be a challenge to know how our wife is doing. When you are showing an interest in her thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences, she gets the message that you are keenly interested in her well-being. She’ll know that any guys trying to hit on her are only interested in themselves, thinking they can turn her away from you.

She will appreciate that she has it good with you. The more you can do to show her your commitment to her well-being, the less likely she is to be vulnerable to attacks from the outside like feministic, individualistic, and selfish ideas. Attend a marriage conference together- I know someone that used to go every year to the same one. This shows that your marriage to her is important to you. She will hear words from others that will reinforce what you have hopefully been telling her. Keeping healthy marriage concepts in mind will help shield her from outside influences that attempt to minimize your relationship and the importance of commitment. There is temptation out there. There is a reason people say that you shouldn’t bring your Filipina to America, that she will become “Americanized”. I think this is too one-sided. There are good reasons for her to be in America and there are things a foreigner husband can do to minimize the risk of her becoming “Americanized”. Finding a good Filipina wife is a tremendous blessing. There is nothing better than a loving, mutually giving relationship between a man and a woman. My goal with this video has been to help encourage foreigners to consider that she isn’t guaranteed to fall victim to feminism in America.

She has to have a good head on her shoulders to begin with. That’s a topic for another video. The foreign husband must protect her from certain temptations and I hope you will find this video helpful. Visit the lovebeyondthesea.wordpress site and consider the new message board. I am as concerned as any man about my Filipina becoming “Americanized” but have taken the initiative to see that it doesn’t happen with my love beyond the sea!

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