Chatting With Several Or Focusing On One?by Bobpublished on
Today we are considering the best way to process through potential Filipinas to marry. There is no doubt that this search is fun and can be exhilarating, but a man is going to have to decide how they are going to go about identifying their top prospects. Subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea for help finding that elusive life partner who just might be in another country. Get notifications for upcoming videos, leave comments here or in the Community Corner message board.
When I started international on line dating I assumed I would be chatting and doing webcams with a handful of women until I could narrow the field down. As it turned out, my wife and I did it differently. My guess is most men also figure it is best to communicate with several or more at a time until one prospect starts to stand out, but I know other people who basically identified one good prospect right away and just focused on them. Do I favor one over the other? I have been asked my opinion on this so I thought I would make a video about it.
I want to emphasize that this topic allows for different opinions so I encourage anyone who happens to be watching to comment. If you are married to or have identified the Filipina you want to spend the rest of your life with, please let me know how you made that choice, how you decided to call off the search. If you are currently involved with looking for a Filipina or haven’t but would like to, let me know your thoughts on chatting with several or multiple women at the same time, as opposed to merely focusing on one woman at a time.
In this video I will compare chatting with several, maybe five, perhaps more Filipinas concurrently, with simply focusing on one woman at a time. I could be wrong but I think most men would consider the multiple-women method to be the best way to go about it. I assumed it was the only way. I ended up not doing it like that, and frankly was surprised when I prepared notes for this topic, how one-sided my opinion was on this.
I figured I would list the pros of one then write the pros of the other and they would more or less balance out, but to my surprise, it was overwhelmingly in favor of focusing on one at a time. I have chatted many times with men who are interested in a relationship with a Filipina, and that process begins with identifying them and initiating a conversation with them. I haven’t pushed my particular view on anyone, and I have encouraged they focus on multiple women if that is what they are interested in doing.
If they express a preference for focusing on one woman at a time, I won’t try to change their mind. The main thing is for that man to be serious about searching for a Filipina. I think it takes a full commitment to the whole process. If that is present, that person has a chance. I have a video called “Ready, Set, No?” about hesitancy pursuing a Filipina, but when the decision has been made to become involved, I can see only the two approaches I have mentioned.
Love Beyond The Sea is a channel to help encourage, even motivate, men to pursue a Filipina and have a good marriage. It may be that this video will help someone find a Filipina sooner than later.
Although this topic is meant for on line communication, I would think all my points would apply to meeting Filipinas in person.
Let’s say five women stand out to you. I can think of one advantage of communicating with several at a time and that would be you might have a better likelihood of finding a suitable mate by having a larger pool of women to choose from, at least that’s the idea. Well, that is the only one I could identify as an advantage-you might have a better chance of finding a suitable mate by having a larger pool of women to choose from. Having been through the process of finding a wife on line from the Philippines, I know it is exciting to sort through profiles of women that could be a prospective wife. Even though I got married very quickly (in 54 days), it wasn’t always as easy as it might seem.
I won’t say that chatting with several or a handful of women isn’t going to work, and these are just my thoughts so don’t take it to the bank. When I went through this process, I actually did come up with a final five or so, however, that was difficult to do. The women are so pretty, and if it seems they would all be worth contacting, how do you narrow it down to five for example? My list kept getting longer by the day and I had to keep looking at those profiles so I wouldn’t forget who they were because there were new women joining all the time and I kept repeating my search criteria to find the new ones, while organizing notes on the ones I liked for sure.
Hypothetically let’s say I have my five prospects. You might have five but new ones join dating sites daily and if you even change your criteria a little bit, there will be more lovely, attractive Filipinas to make you wonder if you can possible narrow it down to a manageable number. Let’s say I have decided on my top five.
How can I be sure someone better won’t show up? This isn’t like dating sites in America, the Asian sites will have you overwhelmed with women wanting to chat and winking and otherwise trying to make contact with you. I used Christian Filipina to find my wife. I felt a little bit like car shopping in that when I might find the car I am looking for, before I finally decided, the more time I took, the more cars I might test drive and the more these cars might make me reconsider my original choice of a car.
With a car, there are different prices but if you are searching for a Filipina on line, there really isn’t one sticker price that is higher than the other, you could “afford” to drive many of the best cars, which would make it difficult to know which one to buy. You can pick from a variety of lovely Filipinas and the cost is the same, a proposal and a wedding. With dating, you might think that if you just wait another week, you will come across a woman who is just a little bit better in some way than the other excellent options.
Analyzing the pros and cons of these women can become paralyzing. This isn’t USA dating on line, with seemingly little to no options, but with a Filipina dating site, you have your work cut out for you. I have said before that it is like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant.
Not only that, but you could run into a situation where you begin to get unrealistic about what you are looking for. Believe me, it is an experience just browsing all the photos of Filipinas, you might decide to look for the most absolutely stunning Filipina on the website, one without a single physical flaw. Or, you might tell yourself it is easy to find a beautiful one, but then you might tend to look for perfection in some other area.
I mean, when you have choices, you might feel like you can hold out a little longer to find someone just a little bit better, and that could make deciding very challenging and prolong your search, not necessarily for the better. I tell myself it will only take a few minutes to go to HyVee for toothpaste, only to discover I just can’t seem to find basic Crest toothpaste among the myriad of options for toothpaste!
Some things that are good to consider as part of your search criteria are religious affiliation, do you want children, do they want children? (most do), do they want to relocate? (most do), are they from the province or city, do you have a preference? What if they have the qualities you want but they are in the province and you want someone from the city? Do you want someone with a college degree? Are you ok if they don’t? What is your age preference? Are you sure about that? I have to be honest with you, I have always wanted a shorter woman. I think 5’2” was the tallest woman I chatted with. My wife is 4’11 so that’s even better! I’m serious. That was important to me, not a deal breaker, but what I really wanted. You better believe she told me her shoe size too! When she told me she had size five feet it was over!
Am I being shallow? We all know what would cause us to go to the other side of the world for. I also like brown skin, and my wife has light brown skin. You know what you are looking for, but it might take a little work to find out things about them.
My experience was that most Filipinas wrote very little in their profile, and a lot of it was similar to what other Filipinas wrote, such as they are a simple woman, loving, caring, want someone who doesn’t play games. I’m not sure that is very helpful when a man is trying to examine profiles. It’s a good start though. You will have a lot of questions to ask and therefore a lot of notes to take on a variety of women so you can actually get to know more about all of them.
Something else to know is that while it probably makes perfect sense to us to have as many options as possible to choose from so we can make the best choice, a Filipina likely won’t see it that way. This is very important. She might assume you are going to have multiple chats going on at the same time, but she would prefer you just focus on her. The reason being, she feels like the man isn’t being serious if he is contacting multiple women at the same time.
It is as if he is dating multiple women at the same time. You might consider that your prerogative and it is, but the woman you are contacting won’t be impressed. She’ll understand you can look for any Filipina you want, but what she wants is a man to be involved with only her. You’ve got two competing mindsets if you are taking your time to line up multiple contacts.
My wife didn’t want a game player so she offered to not talk to anyone else if I would focus on her…I told her I had just recently paid for a membership and I wanted to talk to other women too. She straight up told me that was ok, but I wouldn’t be talking to her anymore! She hid her profile to show me she was serious. I was already learning something about her, that if she was going to move to another country to marry a foreign man, then she wanted to know if he would give her his undivided attention because it is too easy for a Filipina to spend a great deal of time with multiple men who aren’t in a big hurry to marry them.
Saying you want to focus on only one Filipina will surely get her attention, you just need to mean it when you say it. My second choice also told me that she wanted me to focus on my first choice because she didn’t want to feel like a loser competing with another Filipina.
You might be thinking “Ok, after spending a year or two communicating with a handful of women and narrowing down my search to one particular woman, I think I found the one, and will now begin focusing on her, so what’s the big deal? To me personally, by adding on the time it will also take to get to know her well enough to meet her in person and propose to her, get married and actually be living together, that could be three or four years. If you are in your 30’s or 40’s maybe that’s ok, if you are 50, 60s or more, that leaves less of your lifetime to have a marriage with her. If you haven’t seen it, check out my video called “Is it too late for love?” It might not be. I will also add that if you want to marry sooner rather than later, and focus on one Filipina, your search could be over quickly.
It’s possible, if you were to actually be in the Philippines and met a woman you liked and spend a few weeks with her, she might already be waiting for you to ask her to marry you. She wouldn’t understand why you would also want to be seeing other women at the same time. If that’s a cultural thing, then it’s just something you should be aware of. In no way am I saying that you shouldn’t make a list of a certain number of women and similar to a job interview, try to narrow down the choices.
When I think about the time that I spent looking at profiles, checking new ones, scheduling webcams, making notes, going over my lists, rewriting my lists, I realized that it could become cumbersome and time consuming. In my case, since I had been alone for thirty years, I didn’t want to spend several more years on an Asian dating site looking for a wife. I was 53 at the time.
Another thought I had is that if you were to spend hours a day chatting with these women, it can be addictive and play with your emotions a great deal. You might enjoy it so much you don’t want it to end. You might just keep looking for other beautiful women to talk to but if your goal is marriage, at some point you’ll need to eliminate some women, for your sake and theirs. If you procrastinate too long to make a choice to focus on someone, it is possible someone else could sneak into the picture and shower her with more attention. If you are smitten by someone, others will be too. The aggressor always wins, why not be the aggressor?
Also consider you only have so much time in a day. If you are still working like I was, looking for my wife on line was about the only other thing I had time to do. I even took time off work once I realized there were actually choices and they appeared to be good ones and realistic ones. If you are retired you could spend half your day or more looking at different profiles, if you were serious. Something I do tell other men is that in my opinion you should make looking for a wife on line your full-time job. Anything else will slow down the process especially if you want to have a long list of candidates.
I know that some men intend to have a few women to visit and schedule enough time, perhaps several weeks or more, to go to the Philippines and spend some time with each of them. On paper that looks fine but I can tell you that I would not personally want to be in the Philippines alone without a Filipina with me who knows the lay of the land, who knows that I am a target to someone who is looking to steal from me, or set me up somehow. I will also get taken to the cleaners by the taxi drivers unless I am experienced with them.
Suppose the women you want to visit don’t live particularly close to each other. That would require more time and money to get around, more hotels, and perhaps an additional plane flight or two. In June of 2018 my wife and I paid the least we have paid for the four flights from the Midwest of the United States to Davao City, Philippines, and that was about 3,400 dollars for the two of us. That’s eight flights total plus all the layovers. If I was still looking for a Filipina and intended to makes several trips to visit her, that would get quite expensive. A man at work recently did that when he dated his fiancé in Manila. I think he went three times before marrying her.
This was over a two-year period as there is only so much vacation you get when you are still working. He may have taken time off without pay for one of his visits to see her. In this young man’s case, they met early on and didn’t communicate with anyone else. In my situation, I did webcam with several others before going steady with my Amazing Aiza. I also know a man who got engaged in three weeks, as we did, so I am not alone in believing an early focus and pursuit isn’t crazy!
If you have the time and patience, and perhaps the money, and are not in a hurry to get married, you might do well by handling several women at once, just be aware of the cautions I mentioned. If you want to move more aggressively and realize you only need one good catch and you want to start life together in your country sooner rather than later, then focusing on one real good prospect might be the most satisfying to you.
You might be wondering if I was annoyed that my wife kind of gave me an ultimatum to focus on her, I want to say a few things about that. She never told me I had to hide my profile. She did hide her profile and I verified that one day. She waited to see what my response would be. I did not give her a response for a few days because I wanted to think about it.
We had chatted some already and I think she liked my profile very much and was wondering if maybe finally a serious-minded guy saying the right things had come her way. Like I said, I had come to realize that many Filipinas prefer this kind of method, and she was bold enough to want me to do that, to the point of not talking to other men until I gave her a response. If you have seen some of my videos, you know how I feel about my wife. I feel blessed to have her as my wife and she would have made the next guy a great wife, if I had not decided to make her my focus.
Maybe she felt like if this guy (me) was just like the others and wants to play games, then she won’t talk to any of these foreigners at all. Maybe I pleasantly surprised her by taking her up on that. I figured it was getting difficult to make a choice anyway with all the names I had written down so I said ok. Just a couple of weeks later we were engaged, now we have been married since May 10, 2015.
I imagine if you found a woman that you can’t get off your mind, and told her that she was the only one you were interested in talking to, she might not be able to catch her breath. That might move you straight to the front of the line. Eventually you’ll want to do that, it is just a matter of if you want to do it sooner or later, depending on your strategy.
Again, I believe if you want to get married sooner than later, focusing on one gives you the best chance, assuming the woman you decided to focus on is a good target. If you try this and find out you aren’t right for each other, you are free to invest your time in another Filipina. By focusing on one, you can eliminate her quicker because of the effort you’ve made in getting to know her, but you could also marry her sooner if you like what you are hearing and come to believe you should propose to her.
To recap: A quest involving multiple women would seem to give you more options, but that has potential drawbacks and could prolong the process of getting married. She will favor the man who is totally in to her and not also entertaining others. Focusing on one might help you marry sooner and be together sooner after that additional visa wait. Multiple prospects could make you too picky and you could get addicted to webcamming with delightful, easy going, beautiful Filipinas. You could also become paralyzed by analyzing what seems like good choices and trying to decide between good and better, between better and best. If I did this, I might still be single! My wife made the choice easier for me and I am glad she did.
Get her before someone else does by being the aggressor and being focused on her. You could spend your time more efficiently trying to make sure this one woman you are very interested in really is “the one”, and I believe many women could be “the one”. I have a video called “Is there only one that can be “the one”? There I aim to explain how there could be hundreds, even thousands of “the one” that you could marry. Having even five prospects can be time consuming to arrive at and you could be second guessing yourself a lot.
Focusing on each other right away helped both of us find Love Beyond The Sea.