Dealing with Frustrations between you and your Filipina Wifeby Bobpublished on
Continuing with experiences we’ve had that have caused some conflict, but I have learned from. By the way, my wife has learned and adjusted as well in nearly six years of marriage. Subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea for practical relational information in a marriage. I don’t advocate just having a girlfriend, that seems silly for an adult. Get yourself a wife, that’s what you need, that’s where the benefits are.
Learning to trust-She has left everything to be my wife. I told her even before we married that as much as possible, I would defer to her unless I had a good reason to say no. There was a time she wanted me to know about a possible financial opportunity for us (I won’t say what it was exactly), and I wasn’t sure about it but I asked her if she thought this was the best way to use the money right now then we could do it.
I never asked but I perceived this was a crucial test of how much I trusted her. Now that I think about it, we had a lot of disagreements early on that later I believed were from her wanting to prove her worth to me, that she was capable of making good decisions, that I thought she was competent. Even after nearly six years of marriage I still get that impression sometimes.
If I had said no, I didn’t see any good coming from that. I could have said no, you need to submit to me and this isn’t the best way to use the money. However, I believe my wife was trying to act responsibly. I am pleased she would be looking at opportunities for investment.
If it ended up not being profitable, my wife could not be upset that I trusted her to try this. She would be thankful I gave her the chance. I would not be upset with her if it didn’t amount to much. She might be more open to seeing my perspective in the future. On the other hand, if I had insisted that I knew best but it actually was a great opportunity, then I would regret I didn’t trust her.
If it turned out well then she would have much respect for me that I trusted her decision making. At the end of the day, I thought we could spare the money even if it didn’t work out, and that most importantly, my wife would know that I respect her judgment and trusted her.
Biblical submission-A very much misunderstood truth. Some believe the Bible says we are all to submit to each other but that is wrong. Children-Parents, Workers-Bosses, People-Government, Wives-Husbands. The Bible even says “The head of every man is Christ and the head of the woman is the man and the head of Christ is God.” (1Cor.11:3) I think in part 3 of the Stinking Thinking series, I talk about this more in depth.
There are many passages about this. Here are three keys for this video-
Husbands and wives need the Holy Spirit to fulfill their biblical roles of husband the protector and provider and the one who sacrifices his life, and the wife as submissive helper. Remember Genesis 2:18?
IF the husband is loving his wife the way Ephesians 5 teaches him to do, giving up his life for her, the wife is in an environment where submission is made easier.
Being the head means-influence, responsibility, servant leadership.
I have a multiple part series on ‘How to earn the respect of your Filipina” that I believe will be helpful to you to be the kind of man your wife will want to submit to.
I have emphasized in our marriage that I am her authority as per the Bible, and she should submit to me “in everything” as the Bible says, and that I am responsible before God for her wellbeing in every way. I think she wants to be submissive, I really do, but sometimes it isn’t easy for her. In this matter, it was best for me to defer to her, since biblically I am also allowed to if I think she may have a good idea.
I am only trying to have a biblical marriage. I didn’t write that the husband is the head of the wife, God did, and that is more responsibility and requires more sacrifice than the role God gave the woman.
I realize that concept of submission is scorned in the world today and not all Christians want to accept it, but that is God’s way. Obviously, it is hard for a wife to submit herself to an abusive husband so I need to make sure this is not difficult for her. The wife submits to the husband, the husband submits to Christ and Christ submits to the Father. That does not give me right to lord it over her, I am to put her needs above my own, I am to give up my life for her, as Christ gave up His life for His bride the church. I did an entire live stream on the topic of submission you can find in the playlist of live streams.
Food for thought-When we were first together, we went grocery shopping a lot. I have to tell you I love my wife’s body. I tell her all the time how her little 4’11” 92 pound body drives me crazy! When I saw her reaching for potato chips, doughnuts, pizza, I was aghast. She jokes with me that she wants to “put on 10 kilos”. When I would point out why so many foods are not really food at all and will make you unhealthy, she took it as me trying to control what she ate. I want her to eat good food, I don’t want her to eat like many American women. She would comment now and then how I wanted to control everything she eats which was an exaggeration.
She has seen some very heavy women here which I hope has an effect on her. She tells me she has good genes and no one in her family is fat. I wonder if some of that is because they can’t afford to eat all the food that we can eat here in America. She wears a size 0 short shorts, and extra small everything else……..sorry, I lost my train of thought there for a moment. She cooks good food for us but has a sweet tooth too.
I hope I am having an influence on her to some degree. She can eat more Asian food at the buffet than I can, and I like some of it. But other than that, she can make a doughnut last a few days or a bottle of Sprite last for several days. I don’t want her to get carried away and I have honestly told her that I want her to keep her good figure. I think you should be honest about what is important to you. My eating habits border on out of control so I think there were times I projected my own lack of control onto her.
I had been eating brown rice for quite a while when we married. When I went to the Philippines to meet and marry her, I realized that almost no one ate brown rice. I asked my wife why that was and she said because it is more expensive than white rice. I told her that brown rice is healthier and I wanted to keep eating it and preferred her to but she is used to white rice and likes the taste better than brown rice.
For a while she was mixing them together but settled on white rice only. I accepted eating only white rice too, in fact, when I go upstairs and notice the rice cooker is empty, I start making some more rice so it is ready when she gets back from work. White rice is a necessity for a Filipina! You can get a great price on it in 25 or 50 pound sacks at your local Asian market.
The early bird gets the….night owl frustrated-Wouldn’t you know it, but I married a night owl when I am an early bird. I don’t think anything good happens after 8 pm! I have almost always worked a first shift job and like to take my time in the morning getting ready, which includes breakfast and a little internet. My wife is not an early bird. I get up an hour and a half before leaving for work and my wife gets up ten to twelve minutes before she leaves.
In order to keep conflict down in this area, I have had to make one concession, by taking a long nap after work in order to not be grouchy before we go to bed. Her hours at work got changed to 12-hour days. She will stay up looking at Facebook most nights after I have fallen asleep, which is another thing I have had to give in to because I very much prefer us to fall asleep at the same time head to head or cheek to cheek, holding hands. It is best that I take what I can get in this area, knowing that most of the time she just isn’t tired enough even after a 12-hour work day, to go to bed very soon.
Have you seen the instructions?-Another way that resulted in conflict was that my wife had not been used to using a lot of modern appliances before. I am very proud of her for learning how to use them, however early on I thought she was overloading the dishwasher, and washer and dryer. It is something that I’ve decided to just let go for the sake of harmony. I tell myself that number one she probably believes she is doing her best to organize the space in dishwasher and number two that eventually she will see for herself if some of the dishes won’t be clean. Number three is that I am very happy she insists it is her responsibility to take care of the house so I need to learn to back off some and let her do the job.
Clothes minded-After my wife arrived, she started buying me clothes that she thought would make me look younger and better. I rarely wear any of my other clothes now but they are still in the closet. I may have balked a little at first but once again I needed to remind myself that she really was making me dress better and that shows she cares about how I look and how others see me. At work she made me a sharp dressed man. Some of her coworkers asked her if I am a supervisor which I am not. I appreciate what my little woman has done here.
I have asked her to sometimes wear clothes that are appealing to me that I bought for her. She has a little hour glass shaped figure that I see no reason why shouldn’t wear some flattering clothes. She has maybe reluctantly done this because she is modest, which is a good thing, but I am not asking her to look like a prostitute, just to enjoy the beauty of her youth.
For some reason she doesn’t seem to like white pants but she reluctantly let me buy her white stretch pants. I don’t quite understand that but am just saying this to show you there are always things that can be a cause for conflict that you don’t understand.
Hair we go again-When we got married in the Philippines, I knew she didn’t like my hair style as she is used to seeing short hair on men in the Philippines. Before she arrived to be with me, I cut my hair on my own just to please her. Since she has gotten here, she has wanted me to cut it even shorter which I have obliged. I have to admit it has been an improvement, at least I am liking it now.
In the process of this I have told her how much I love her beautiful long Filipina hair and that I don’t want her to cut it shorter. Yes, this has been a cause of conflict. There are some women in my opinion who can look good in short boyish hairstyles, and I like it, but…most women can’t. Filipinas, like many other women, I think look best with long, lovely, feminine, girly hair. Drives me crazy! When we visited the Philippines one time, she shocked me by cutting her hair. Now, it wasn’t a boyish style but it wasn’t long either and I was very matter of fact about how I did not like that she did that.
No good was going to come from hammering her all the time about it so I told her once again how I felt about this and that I wanted her to let it grow out. She told me she wanted to try that hair style and it looked alright on her I admit, but it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. This can be a very tricky situation. I believe a wife should make herself look appealing to her husband and why it is important. I know I can’t force her to keep her hair long and luscious but can stress how important it is to me that it be long. In my experience, most men want a woman with long hair.
I recently agreed to let her cut her hair after not cutting it for a year and a half, and I have to admit that it looks really cute on her. Phew, am I relieved!
Stay tuned for the final part of this series that can help you get off to a good start with your Love Beyond The Sea!