Do you like sex? Sex is a good thing right? Dr. PHILippines believes so, but also knows there are situations where having sex can leave one feeling defeated, demoralized, insignificant and incapable of responding in the future. How awful! Today, we are going to talk about the best context for sex, and I believe that to be marriage. You may have made a costly mistake in your past but it doesn’t have to be fatal. You can continue to kid yourself or you can take your medicine which is what Dr. PHILippines will prescribe you today. No kid gloves for this one. Leave a comment if you want to try to convince me that unmarried sex is better than married sex.
I came across an article by BJ Foster that I will link in the description box and since it resonated with me and since this channel is about marital love, I wanted to mention the author’s points. I know from being on both sides of the fence that married sex is better, and it ends better. It is one of the greatest blessings in the world, to me, and not just because it feels so good. Subscribe to Love Beyond The Sea and you’ll learn what works and what won’t in a marriage to a Filipina.
I won’t waste your time. Comment here or over at the Love Beyond The Sea Community Corner linked for you in the description box. There is a safe place for you to share your thoughts about relationships, sex, and love. I will quote from Mr. BJ Foster and Dr. PHILippines will interject his thoughts on why married sex is better. Dr. PHILppines has been married almost five years to a lovely Filipina and talks about topics he thinks men need to know about. Many think he is nuts but believe me, he is very serious.
From the article-Take it away Mr. BJ Foster. I endorse what you say.
As I was driving to work one morning, I was listening to talk radio. The radio host had two lawyers on giving advice to the callers. A married woman called in having recently been in a car accident. The fault of the collision was clearly the other driver and she was experiencing a lot of back pain as a result. The decision from there seems pretty clear – make the claim with the insurance company and inform them of the medical component.
The problem is that in this situation she was not driving the car. The man she was having an affair with was behind the wheel. Incidentally, he was also experiencing back pain that needed medical treatment. Her fear was that as the case got more intense she would be unable to hide her infidelity from her husband. As the sad interview continued, the radio host asked her if better sex was the reason she had strayed from her husband. Her answer, “Well, there’s nothing better than new and exciting.”
This attitude is everywhere in the media from TV shows and movies to music. One-night stands and hookups are romanticized, without any of the consequences or downsides. The assumption is that when you are married sex will eventually become predictable and boring. That can happen, but results from feelings of disconnection. When a married couple strives for intimacy, the experience of sex reaches a level of pleasure and enjoyment that unmarried sex never will.
Here are 3 reasons married sex is better.
1. Knowledge of One Another
While there are times married couples experience ruts, I would argue that familiarity is very much a sexual strength. The parquet floor at the old Boston Garden was said to make the ball bounce differently on various parts of the floor. The Celtics knew the floor better than any visiting team giving them a tremendous home court advantage. They knew where to go with the ball while their opponents did not. That knowledge had power. Every person is made uniquely different.
We all have different preferences and tastes. Sex at its best stimulates on multiple levels: sensual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. The ways these are stimulated varies from person to person. With more knowledge a couple has about one another comes a deeper understanding and rhythm of how to awaken these facets. This brings a pleasure on multiple levels that only deepens as knowledge of one another grows.
Dr. PHILippines-I wonder how many people have been in a one-night stand only to have it end in disaster and make them jaded about sex and relationships. A one-night stand is two strangers acting on sexual desire but won’t find satisfaction in it, could get a disease, don’t know anything about each other, and are doing it for the wrong reason.
Sex outside of marriage is for self, because you aren’t in a committed relationship for life to continue to learn about each other. You don’t know the other person and you probably don’t even want to. Gratification on a physical level is sought from one person after another. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7 that the wife’s body belongs to her husband and the husband’s body belongs to his wife. That doesn’t mean that either one can’t desire the raw pleasure of it all, of course they will, but their bodies belong to another person. If someone is not married, presumably their body belongs to someone they don’t know yet.
This is why we don’t really have the right to say “no” in marriage, our body belongs to our spouse. And when a spouse is denied, that will hurt both of them one way or another. When two people are not married to each other, they have absolutely no obligation to each other for sexual satisfaction. In fact, the Bible teaches they don’t have a right to it either, however there is a God ordained place where sex is commanded.
Commanded? Yes, and that place is marriage. It is commanded because, listen to this, since we are sinful, we are selfish and tend to put ourselves first. If we just don’t feel like it, we are apt to be disinterested when our spouse has a need to be met. They could want it for physical or emotional reasons but the bottom line is they want it or need it and are to receive it. God knows (since he invented sex and people) how crucial sex typically is to a marriage and being denied is wrong.
This doesn’t mean that either spouse can demand sex in the name of the Bible, can bully their spouse into it, can make threats or denigrate their spouse if they don’t get it. There isn’t enough time to talk about this in depth but a good sex life is an exercise in self-denial and putting the spouse’s need at the time above your own. I wonder how often both spouses desire it at the same time and to the same degree, probably never. But that need has to be met and I believe it is a need. We could take all day to talk about that too, I realize much said here won’t be believed by everyone.
The place to get this knowledge of each other, is marriage. Marriage is a great thing. You can blow it, make mistakes, do the wrong things and receive forgiveness and acceptance. That is the way it should be. Marital sex is a getting to know each other so that the union is mutually satisfying. “It is better to give than to receive”. There is no reason why that can’t apply to the marriage bed.
Emotional attachment occurs and could develop into emotional dependence when sex is had outside of marriage. That can tear someone apart when the other person is off doing their thing with someone else. Then you end up feeling used, then worthless, then confused. The best place for sex is marriage. There you can get to know each other, make mistakes, experiment, and know that you are becoming more intimate, more bonded together through the sex. “Knowing” each other is a biblical euphemism for having sexual intercourse. The person you are knowing can only feel safe and secure when they are being loved by the same person only. One-night stands are for self, marriage is for each other. Back to the article by BJ Foster-
2. Connection in Friendship
It’s always more enjoyable to do anything with someone with whom you share an authentic friendship. It’s even more fun when it is someone you love. Sex with someone where friendship is absent reduces sex to merely a sensual and potential intellectual experience. When the emotional and spiritual connection is lacking, it all becomes empty. It is devoid of its design and purpose of greater intimacy. It also is most likely followed by the inevitable guilt. Although it is important to consider that guilt, confusion, and hurt will still occur without the third and final reason.
Dr. PHILippines-I agree, being in love with that person makes it more fun and more meaningful. It strengthens and builds the relationship because it is in a context of commitment and safety. Sex outside of marriage leaves a connection, but not one that helps. It leaves a connection with every woman a man has been with and makes for an inevitable comparison to their wife, which is unfair to her. My responsibility in marriage is to do what is best for my wife and that includes in the bedroom. What is best for her is that I stay away from other women and devote the rest of my life to her good, including sex. What is better than guilt-free sex?
Sex outside of marriage can be forgiven if it is asked for, from God, but there will be scars that take time to heal.
They can also be remarried and should not feel bad or guilty to remember their first marriage. It is something to be thankful for. More from Mr. BJ Foster-
3. Trust in Commitment
In my opinion, this is the component of sex at its best that our culture misses the most. It’s the same reason that sex in the context of “friends with benefits”, dating couples, and cohabitating couples falls short of marriage sex. When couples make a lifelong commitment to one another in marriage, it produces security and trust. Those two things allow for vulnerability. There’s no holding back for the sake of emotional protection. Without that commitment, there will always be a higher degree of fear of being hurt, even for those couples that say they are “committed” but haven’t gotten married. The doubts are there whether they admit it or not.
The higher degree of doubt, fear, and insecurity in a relationship, the more diminished the sexual experience. Married couples can certainly experience these fears and doubts. However, making a strong public decision to commit for a lifetime and reaffirming that decision daily are important steps in eliminating those fears. The result is sex reaching its highest level of pleasure.
Dr. PHILippines-I could make a sign and hang this on the wall! I like his statement- “When couples make a lifelong commitment to one another in marriage, it produces security and trust. Those two things allow for vulnerability. There’s no holding back for the sake of emotional protection. Again- “The higher degree of doubt, fear, and insecurity in a relationship, the more diminished the sexual experience…making a strong public decision to commit for a lifetime and reaffirming that decision daily are important steps in eliminating those fears. The result is sex reaching its highest level of pleasure.”
Once again, the article will be linked in the description box. I endorse this man’s comments. Your comments are certainly welcome! Sex is far more than a release of tension that feels good. It can provide tremendous physical and emotional pleasure and it can result in terrible rejection, depression and confusion. The choice is yours.
These are reasons why sex is better with my Love Beyond The Sea!